Mooooo!!!!!

Forgive me Jackie Warner, for I have sinned.

Yesterday was all set to be a good day.

It was supposed to go like this:

7:30 - Wake up (beautifully and with birds chirping and woodland creatures eager to sing and dance)
7:31 - (after song and dance) Make my way to the coffee pot to get my Colombian fix and eat a Jackie Warner approved breakfast... perhaps oatmeal? An egg? Fruit? Pick one. Those are good choices.
8:15-9:30 - Start Laundry, Make my Fall Bed (warmer blankets... pretty autumnal hued sheets...), Launder and Put Away Summer Bed
9:30-10:00 - Shower and Get Ready to Leave for Hair Appointment (of course! I did my hair to get my hair done! I don't want Katie, The-Uber-Fantastic - my extremely talented hair professional - to think that I've been treating her work poorly... aka in a pony tail ALWAYS and letting my ends split from here to kingdom come)
10:20-12:30 - Magical Katie Hair Time
12:30 - Stare at Myself in the Mirror and See Glammed Up Self and LOVE IT!!!!!!
12:31-2:30 - Go Home, Switch Laundry, Eat a Jackie Warner Approved Lunch, Gather Frau Millie, and Go Jaunting Through the Park.
2:30 - Return Home, Finish Laundry, Run Dishwasher (I never run the dishwasher while I'm not home... a bad plastic lid burn experience has ruined me from trusting this machine ever again), Clean off Kitchen Table, Start Ridding Myself of Cluttery Chotchkies (good bye foam hand and potato heads :( )
5:00 - Empty Dishwasher, Start Packing for Chicago (ROAD TRIP WOOT WOOT)
6:00 - Go Over Father's House at his Request for Daughter-Father Bonding Time (which essentially means that we talk each other's ears off about all subjects under the sun and go eat somewhere - Jackie Warner approved of course!)
9:30 - Return Home. Complete Night Time Rituals. Watch Diary of a Wimpy Kid (Netflix is going to start getting annoyed for how long I've had it... I feel their judgement).
11:30 - Night Night.


Lovely day huh???? Sounds exciting and productive, right?

Here's how the day really went:

7:30 - Wake Up (no birds. no chirping. no woodland creatures.)
7:31 - Decide that I WAY Overestimated My Wake Up Time and Go Back to Bed (pffft. I can do all the stuff I planned in like 5 minutes....if I hurry)
9:30 - Peel Myself Out of Bed, Decide that laundry can wait another day and that my bed can be done later cause I thought I heard that it was supposed to get warm later this week and I don't want to get hot because I HATE to hot sleep (yeah. I didn't really believe it either, but I'm a very good negotiator and actress and when I give myself a valid argument - I have to listen. Because I'm that good)
10:20 - Arrive for Hair Appointment (I'm never late. Ever. For Spa Services. The last thing I want is to piss the person off who is going to be coloring my hair, performing my pedicure or doing my massage. Tardiness does not a good 'Girl Day' make.)
10:40 - Discuss Highlighting and Cut with Katie, The-Uber-Fantastic!!!
12:30 - Get the REVEAL (aka - put my glasses back on) and Make a GASP (in a bad way) Sound and Say, "oh....wow..." (just for the record - I said right-above-the-shoulder-bob and then showed EXACTLY the length that meant right-above-the-shoulder to me and pointed out ALL (3) of the colors that I wanted used in my hair... what I got is some flat My Life as Liz, Liz haircut and I'm pretty certain that she just foiled my head for no reason because I'll be damned if I can see any evidence of color usage) Katie, The-Deaf-and-Blind, is lucky I didn't go bananas on her ass. Deep Breaths. DEEP. BREATHS. Peace and Love In. Anger and the Ability to Murder Someone with Highlighting Tools Out.
12:31 - Pay for My New Life as Liz.
12:32 - Realize That I'm Starving Because I Didn't Eat My Jackie Warner Approved Breakfast
12:45 - Arrive Home and Call Out for an AMAZING Chicken Salad from the Local Pizza Joint (all of the Jackie Warners on my Jackie Warner Workout DVDs turn their heads and start to weep quietly) and say, "oh wait! Can you add a small sausage and pizza too?" (the Jackies are now consoling each other and are openly weeping and screaming, "WHY GOD?!?!" from their boxes)
2:00 - Finish the Salad (hahaha how is anything with ranch dressing, cheese, french fries, and chicken called a salad??) and a couple of slices of the sausage and cheese pizza.
2:02 - Decide that a nap would be just the thing to work off my full tummy
4:00 - Wake Up and Get Hooked on Daytime Tv
5:00 - Run the Dishwasher and Resume Daytime Tv Watching
6:00 - Go Over to Father's House (decline dinner due to a "big lunch")
11:30 - Go Home. Eat Icecream (OMG I found this new icecream that claimed to be exactly like Gelato... you know. Italian Gelato. The BEST icecream in THE WORLD. Don't get your panties in a twist though. Because it wasn't. Not even close. But I ate it anyway.) Crawl into Bed. And Die. (If you listen closely, you can still hear the Jackies quietly sobbing in the distance)


Happy Thursday!

Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean!

I went to bed last night with a goal: to rid myself of clutter (this always happens after I watch an episode of Hoarders: Buried Alive!). But now that it's time to set to work, I kinda just wanna go watch some Ellen and let all of my useless chotchkies live for another day. I mean, come on, that giant Rock On Bowling for Soup Foam Rock On Hand isn't hurting anyone while it's perched on a dresser. Those KISS Mr. Potato Heads still in their box? Definitely essential to my well-being and life, right? The yoga mat that's been sitting in it's plastic for 4 years (don't give those eyes!) in the trunk of my car (yes, in my trunk probably giving off cancerous fumes as it baked in the summer sun time and time again). You never know when an impromptu yoga session will come about, and I would hate to be without my [favorite] mat (hahaha it sounds ridiculous to me too).

*sigh*

I know.

I know!

Sheesh! I hear you! Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok 

O...K 

I'm on it. As soon as I'm done posting this message for all of you lovelies, I'll get to it.  

Maybe.


Well, you see, it's raining outside. And no one wants to start lugging bags of their precious belongings to give to Goodwill in the rain. It's a fact. No one. Not even the Hoarders that have bugs crawling around in their favorite coffee cups, beds, etc. Even they can live with their...disease... for another day. And just for the record, I'm am definitely not at HOARDER LEVEL MAXIMUS. I sit, with all of my wax figurines from Michigan and squished penny collection, at CROWDED SHELF LEVEL - which is still in the SAFE-TO-HAVE-PEOPLE-OVER-WITHOUT-THEM-VOMITING-OR-RUNNING-AWAY-IN-REVULSION REALM.

Dang you Hoarders: Buried Alive for once again inspiring me to declutter only to be faced with environmental road blocks (like rain and power outages... I swear my electricity just went out as I was typing environmental road blocks... I swear. Well played, Great Being. Well played.). Anyway! So now I have to go reset all of the clocks in the house and perhaps circle the property for unsightly twigs and branches and then drink a cup of tea because I'll be cold when I come back in and then go on a hunt for my 'winter socks' because my feet will be cold and the tea will not warm them and then curl up in my snuggie to readjust to my body temperature and while doing that, turn on The Price is Right so that I can practice my price honing skillz just in case I should ever be invited to 'Come on Down!!!!'. Afterall - I would hate to waste time and let the day melt away from under me.

Ciao!

P.S. When is Starbucks going to come out with the signature hot chocolates?!?!? I am jonesing for that salted chocolate drink.

Frau Millie

So as I mentioned earlier - I'm "training" for a 10k. HAHAHAHA I know. I think it's pretty hilarious too. I still can't believe that I've committed myself to doing something so... ... ... athletic. I'm just not that girl, you see. When other girls were playing softball or being intense about dance or cross country or whatever - I was busy doing my nails, perfecting my mad bang cutting skillz (oh how I got em!), and on a quest to find the perfect outfit to accessory ratio. All of which don't require much athletic ability, but did leave me gloriously quaffed, fluffed, and puffed. Yay!

So knowing myself all to well and my attraction to all things 'oh so pretty!' - I've enlisted the help of one, Frau Millie. She has a lot of the same qualities as Jackie Warner (minus her liking for other females - I think). She is tireless, has a killer body, doesn't take no for an answer, always works out to intensity, and has somewhat of a nurturing streak while trying to torture you.



Without further delay, it is my honor to introduce Frau Millie:

 

Frau preparing for our ab workout.  She said that only 'fit' people get to lay in the sun while doing it... Meanie.

 

"Time to workout!!!!!" She said with maniacal laughter

"You call that 'to intensity'?!?!?! I can't even look at you, you slow poke!"

She may only be 8 lbs, but she knows how to workout. Hard. Yesterday, her and I went on a 2 mile jaunt through a park near my house. She literally would go as far her leash would allow (without strangling her) and then wait for me to catch up only to run off as soon as I got to her. Think of a 2 mile game of tag... with me being the only one who was 'it'. Today we plan to do it again, only faster.............(Yikes!!!).............and accompanied by an incredible ab work out.........(OWIE!!!).........

OH NO! 

The Frau has spotted me typing and not warming up! Got to go before I need to give her 20 more!!!

Ciao for now!

P.S. Remember the pancakes that I said I was going to have the other day?

These are them:

The 'lady's' stack..... Imagine what the 'mancakes' look like!?!

and I only at 2. :)

The Housewives of....

Oh how I love me a good dosage of Housewives! All week I have been waiting for The Real Housewives of DC Reunion Part 2. Part 1 was insane. Part 2, I imagine, is going to be like watching feeding time at the zoo. Michaele and Tareq don't even stand a chance! Not a single, itty bitty chance. And I swear if he does that annoying pucker lip thing tonight, I'm going through the tv Willy Wonka style to let him know that only models, Lisa Rinna, and Angelina Jolie can purse their lips together and make it look normal. When normal people do it, we look stupid. Super stupid. Amazingly brain cell deficient.

May I present, exhibits 1, 2, and 3.

And just to prove that I'm not the only one who thinks pursed or puckered lips look stupid - go to The Puckered Lips - verry funny!

Anyway - back to the Housewives!

Isn't it funny to think that when The Real Housewives of Orange County appeared we thought that they were scandalous and crazy???? Oh how we were wrong!!! I think we have built our reality tv tolerance up so high that unless these bitches are downright screaming at each other and flipping tables, we aren't interested anymore. For example, today Bravo was airing all of the previous Housewives' Reunion specials and when I heard the OC group snip and snap at each other - it didn't quite have the bite that I like when I'm watching The Housewives.

I mean, come on. Slade fornicating dating 3 housewives? Eh. Happy Herpes! The women talking about all of the work they haven't had done to their faces and bodies? Ladies, you'll never be pretty enough if you don't start loving yourself first (and btw - EVERYONE knows that you've had work done. You don't get the large chested, high cheeked, bloated lip, pinched nose, mile high eyebrow look without some major anesthesia). Most of the families bragging about how much they have and spending TONS of money on stupid stupid things and then declaring bankruptcy? Pffft. Old news and pay your bleeping bills like most everyone else on the planet.

I think Bravo! should think outside the box and start featuring REAL housewives. Like The Real Housewives of Some Village in Africa... don't you think it would be mesmerizing to watch all of the housewives slaughtering guinea pigs and using their blood as make up?? Or how about The Real Housewives of 8 Mile? I'm sure it would be riveting to watch those bitches smack a ho or teach their children about how to get the perfect combination of gin and juice. I cannot wait! I'm going to call Andy Cohen and pitch him my ideas.

Alright! Got to go! Time to get my pitch on!

Legally (Strawberry) Blonde

"Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't kill their husbands. What? They just don't!"

So the last time we spoke (aka I posted), I was feeling quite down on myself. I know that age is just a number. I know that how you feel inside is more important than the number on your driver's license. I know that I should look at the glass as half full because I have a lot to be thankful for... but at that time - that number was plaguing my soul. I felt a million years old. And it was hard to be thankful for anything cause all I could see were my newly procured crows feet in my 10X mirror. I have come to the conclusion that NO ONE should see themselves that up close and personal. From now on, I'm standing 3 feet back from my bathroom mirror and only looking getting the Monet version of myself. Yay!

Anyway - this blog has a point - I think - so I should get to it.

In my last blog I whined about not having enough carpe diem in my life, and how in my 27th year, I was going to get this Unemployed Diva out of her comfort zone and try some new things... After many alcoholic beverages much consideration, I have decided that I am going to start training for a 10k. That's 6.2 miles people. Now let's not forget that I am... shall we say... not a natural runner.

Ok.

Fine.

I'm more prone to sit on the couch with some Ben and/or Jerry watching Housewives (any of them!) than eating carrot sticks and drinking water to cool myself off after an intense workout.

But here I am. And this is my new goal. So as of tomorrow - I'm gonna be following this schedule: 

Beginner Runners' 10K Training Schedule

Week	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
1	Rest	1.5 m run	CT or Rest	1.5 m run	Rest	2 m run	25-30 min EZ
2	Rest	2 m run	CT or Rest	2 m run	Rest	2.5 m run	25-30 min EZ
3	Rest	2.5 mi run	CT or Rest	2 m run	Rest	3 m run	30-35 min EZ
4	Rest	2.5 m run	CT or Rest	2 m run	Rest	3.5 m run	35 min EZ
5	Rest	3 m run	CT or Rest	2.5 m run	Rest	4 m run	35-40 min EZ
6	Rest	3 m run	CT	2.5 m run	Rest	4.5 m run	35-40 min EZ
7	Rest	3.5 m run	CT	3 m run	Rest	5 m run	40 min EZ
8	Rest	3 m run	CT or Rest	2 m run	Rest	Rest	10K Race

http://running.about.com/od/racetraining/a/10Kbeginner.htm

And how do you know that I'm going to stick to this schedule??? Well I printed it out, yo. And if I took the time to print it out, it must be important, right??? Right!

Alright time to go have a hub cap sized pancake at our favorite local breakfast joint. :) Don't runners carb up before their big race?? I think I might have to do some more research so I don't kill myself or pop a lung in this process. hahahaha.

Happy Sunday!

Another Year Wiser

I vividly remember when I was 16 thinking about how my life was going to look when I was older... (to 25 and BEYOND!) At 16, I thought that by my age now, I would have been finished with college, thinner (read: waif sized), and well on my way to starting a family... As 27 looms a mere 1 and a half hours away, I can't help but think how I've disappointed myself.

It's not that I'm not happy with some of the things that I have accomplished in these past 11 years... it's just that I wish that I had accomplished more. I'm sad because I have not seized the day. There has been a major lack of carpe diem in this Unemployed Diva's life.

I realize now that I have spent most of my life living in fear.

• Fear of disappointing people. 
• Fear of others' judgement and criticism.
• Fear of failing. 
• Fear of losing people. 
• Fear of stepping outside of my comfort zone. 
• Fear of saying how I really feel. 
• Fear of letting people in. 
• Fear of being too much or the complete opposite of not enough.

And that's just the stuff that I'm willing to talk about on the internet (haha!). Isn't it crazy to think about how much we let fear stand in our way??

As children, fear wasn't really an option... We plowed through life jubilant and carefree. We took risks and made mistakes, and that was ok, because tomorrow was a new adventure. Tomorrow! Was another opportunity to try again.

Over this next year, instead of acting more like a grown up, I'm going to try and act more like a child. I'm going to seize the day and not let fear paralyze me. So tomorrow, on my 27th birthday, I'm going to do at least one thing that takes me out of my comfort zone to start this new year off right... I have no idea what that is now, but I'll keep you posted. :)

Perhaps I'll:

Thank you DC Skydiving Center for the photo

 

Go skydiving?!?

 

 

 

 Thank you Studios W10 for the photo

 

Take a pole dancing class?!?

 

 

 

 

  Thank you dailynews.com for the photo

 

Start training for a 10k?!?

 

Glory be! I have some decision makin' to do! 

 

Now it's time for bed before I change my mind and delete this whole post!!! 

 

Hahaha! 

 

I would never! 

 

Ok. 

 

I might.

 

But. 

 

Not today.

 

:)  

 

 

DNA Follies

Sharon: Those drivers are all whistledicks!!!! Tell them to move! Especially that one.

Me: Calm down! And what's up with... (long pause as I contemplate really breaching this subject with my mother) you and whistledicks today??? This is like the 4th time you've said it in an hour. Is 'whistledick'' (pronounced with extra pronunciation this time) your new word???

Sharon: No. Whistledick. Is. Not. My. New. Word. Insert my Full. Name. Here.

Me: Oh. Ok. Just wondering.


:::Uncomfortably Long Silence:::

Sharon: 'Jackass' is!!!

Me: 'Jackass'... is... what?

Sharon: My new word (said in a tone implying that I'm new here and I should have known exactly what she was talking about DUH).

Me: Oh.


:::Uncomfortably Long Silence Take 2:::

Me: Well you know that 'jackass' isn't a new word, right? It's been around awhile....

Sharon: God Dammit! My Full Name Here!!!!!!! Mind your own business.

And this is why, friends, that I hesitate procreating.... if there is any chance that I will turn into that or produce something like that, I think I would rather take my chances with small animals and imaginary friends....... Imagine what she's going to be like when she hits old old age???? Yeeesh.

Happy Saturday!!!

Darn You Nectar of the Gods!

Hello. My name is The Unemployed Diva. And I have a problem.


It all started a week ago. The fall weather flourishing... my comfy autumnal hued sweater on (accompanied with a pair of jeans that has been plaguing me but fit amazingly that day) and perfectly accessorized... hair beautifully quaffed... make-up applied to accentuate my hazelish eyes and cherubic face... I decided that the only thing that could make that day anymore wonderful was to stop by my local Barstucks (hahaha) and partake in a autumnal coffee drink. Oh how naive I was!!!!!!!!!

You see, back in my employed days, I was quite the Barstucks aficionado. I would visit The Temple of Coffee at least 4 times a week... In my unemployed status, I have tried to cut some of my luxuries (specialty coffee, manicures, pedicures, highlights, EYEBROW WAXING) to make the American Dollar go a bit further. It saddens me to say, but it's been almost 3 months since the last time I went to The Mecca.

When I walked in my senses went into overload. All of a sudden, I was a kid in the candy story, but taller and with my own atm card. In my fit of bliss, I ordered 2 drinks and a pumpkin scone. Forgive me Jackie Warner, for I have sinned as I'm pretty sure that none of that is considered "clean eating" and condoned by her. I think I would be able to forgive myself if I stopped there, but the problems started AFTER I drank the heaven in the 2 perfectly designed recycled paper cups and ate the pumpkin scone. The next morning I awoke with a jonesing like no other. Seriously, people. I'm pretty certain that only crackheads and meth addicts know the jonesing that I'm talking about. It was so bad that I pleaded with the Manfiriend to pull over at the nearest coffee dispenser (a GAS STATION!!!) so that I could get a fix.

The shame meter went to a new high that day.

To be clear - it's not getting coffee from a gas station that I'm ashamed of. There is a lot of good coffee out there served in gas stations. It's the fact that I asked him to pull over to a gas station when we did not need gas and used a voice and tone similar to one that a twitching, sniffing junkie would use when trying to score their next hit.

Darn you Barstucks! and your delicious coffee laced with caramel and toffee and mocha and nutmeg sprinkled on top!

As of today the shakes have stopped, but I'm considering going into some kind of recovery program so that innocent bystanders - Manfriend included - don't get hurt by my coffee ways.

With my fingers crossed, let's hope for the best, shall we?

Dear God,

Make me a bird so I can fly far far away from here.

I don't know what's in the air these days, but I'm starting to think that Jenny (of Forrest Gump fame) had it right. She wanted to be a bird. To fly, far, far away. From here. Granted, she was being abused by her father and had Forest as her only friend, but the general gist feels so right, right now. I would love to take off and just fly away. Perhaps return to Italy and spend a countless number of days eating and climbing steps (the Italians had to find some way to burn off all of those carbs...) Some (trained professionals) would argue that these flight instincts are my body's way of avoiding some topics.... Pfffft! Now what would I want to avoid????? The fact that I am unemployed? Am still living with my mother who is crazy as a loon (honestly folks... certifiably crazy)? Am quickly reaching a level of cynicism Dr. House worthy?And am currently eating my way through my unemployment which is causing me to... perhaps... avoid wearing my usual confident diva garb and choose pajamas and oversized t-shirts? Pffft. Nothing to avoid there. haha.

The truth, my internet friends, is that while I never defined myself as my career, I did put a certain value on what I did for a living. I felt useful and needed and now, not so much. Deep down I know that I have more value than what I did and what I will go into next. At this very moment though, it's hard to see past it all. Super hard in fact to overcome the feeling that I am now somehow damaged goods and without a purpose.

Wait a minute? What's that I hear? The world's tiniest violin playing me tune? Yup.

I guess the only thing I can do is try to turn my frown upside down and find one thing to be thankful for today - because as we know (from daytime tv), that it could be SO MUCH WORSE... So, I leave you with this: Today I am thankful for Judge Milian because she rules fairly and does it with her latina gold hoops in and nails done every time.