What I Learned in 2013: And other crap that's kinda relevant.

2013 is coming to a close. Wait. What? It's been a whole year??? Yup! And oh what a year it has been! This year has been a really big year for me personally and I want to share some things I've learned.

1. It's ok to go on your own path - even if it causes your parents (I'm looking at you, Mom!) to constantly question, "What are you doing with your life??" I've never been a traditional kind person and I don't know why I ever thought that I could go down a traditional path and feel fulfilled. I've always done things in my own time, and for the first time, I'm embracing it. Thank you, 2013 for that. It's scary as bleepity bleep bleep - but in a good way.

That first one was a big one - so let's take it down a notch

2. Almost everything cooks in the microwave for 3 minutes. For years I have been hovering over my microwave waiting and checking and waiting and checking. Nope. Not anymore. Very rarely is anything over or under heated if you set the timer for 3 minutes. I now spend that time checking Twitter. Follow me @kunemployeddiva #shamelessplug #sorrynotsorry

3. People pleasing is always a no-no. I always thought helping and doing everything to please others as much as I could was a good thing. ERRRR! Wrong. Very wrong. Super duper wrong. With cherries on top. I had an epiphany. People pleasing is not only damaging to you, but also to the people you love. How, you ask? When you are doing something to please someone else at the expense of yourself - it helps no one. You resent yourself for not standing by your convictions and resent the person that put you in that position in the first place. I'm not saying to completely disregard others - what I'm saying is that doing something for someone should never give you that icky exasperated feeling. You know which one I'm talking about. Don't even play like you don't.

4. It's ok to love yourself AND to want to work on yourself all at the same time. Say it with me now. YOU. CAN. LOVE. YOURSELF. AND. WANT. TO. WORK. ON. YOURSELF. ALL. AT. THE. SAME. TIME. Seriously. Repeat it over and over until it sinks in. I'm going to warn you - it is not going to be easy. We have been taught by the media, old school thinking and a whole bunch of other places that the only way to love ourselves is if the person looking back from the mirror is what society sees as 'perfection'. For me, this applies to the way I feel about my body. For as long as I can remember, I have hated the way I've looked. Hated it. Despised it. And had in the back of my head for every second of every minute of every hour of every day that I was worthless because I didn't look like how I thought I should. That's a lot of emotional baggage to carry around. 2013 taught me that I really can find ways to love and accept myself and still want to improve and grow. I could probably do a whole series on this topic, but for now this is all I'm going to say about it.

5. Last, but certainly not least. Thank you 2013 for teaching me that there are going to be times when you are a good friend to someone, but they are incapable of showing you how much you mean to them. And also, there are going to be times when people are good friends to you and that you are incapable of showing them how much they mean to you. This year I have been both a good friend and (admittedly) a shitty friend. When I'm going through something the first thing I do is clam up because I think the last thing anyone wants to hear about it someone else's problems. To friends that reach out during that 'going through some stuff' period - I'm in solitary mode and am not receptive to others. Is this healthy?? Probably not. Is it behavior that I'm working on and trying to modify? Yup. Do I still value your friendship and respect you and want you there. but just at a distance for awhile? Totally.

2013 has been quite a year in both good ways and bad, but we've made it to 2014. I'm not really a person that follows resolutions, but I will say this, last February I signed a year long contract for personal training. I've used maybe 8 sessions all year. I've spent over $1200 on it. I solemnly resolve to never do that shit again and to cancel it before I get charged for another month.

Be safe everyone and have a Happy New Year!

Forever Yours,

The Unemployed Diva.

Rain Drops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.

Brown paper packages ties with string. 

These are a few of my favorite things... 

The Christmas Countdown is officially upon us!!! YAY!!! With 9 days left until Santa comes, I thought I would talk a little today about Christmas trees. All Oh Tannebaum, Oh Tannebaum style.


This history of the Christmas Tree is actually quite interesting. The basic gist is: Before Christianity, ancient people were fascinated by plants that stayed green all year round. They thought the always green plants had special powers and they used them to help bring the sun back. You see, most cultures believed that the sun was a god and in the Winter, when the days became dark and dreary, these magical evergreens were thought to help make the sun god stronger. In those times - stronger sun = warmer weather = planting season = crops = get in my belly.

The Christmas Tree that we all know and love today came to us from Germany. Most Germans would bring evergreens inside their homes, display them on a wooden pyramid, and decorate them with nuts and berries. Eventually they brought in full trees (much smaller than the floor to ceiling trees that we cherish today) and decorated them with hand made ornaments.

What really surprised me about the history of the Christmas tree is that America, as a whole, was ANTI-CHRISTMAS TREE!!! for a decent amount of time. The original colonists a.k.a the Puritans thought Christmas trees were pagan symbols and made a mockery of the church. Basically, anything Christmasy was frowned upon and anyone who celebrated was deemed a heathen and thereby shunned. As a colonist you were punished for hanging decorations. Way to be joy suckers, pilgrims.

It wasn't until there was an influx of German and Irish immigrants in the 19th century that the Christmas Tree came back in to style. Yay!!! Once electricity made its way onto the scene - people started decorating their trees with strands of lights. Ornaments, for the most part, were still handmade and being shipped from Germany to the U.S. Once mass production started taking place, we no longer looked to Germany to supply our ornaments and produced them in the States.

What is so cool about this whole transformation is that these days each family has their own traditions when it comes to this blessed tree. Some cut it down fresh. Others have artificial trees. Some go to lots and buy a pre cut tree. Then there are the lights and ornaments! Twinkle? Chaser? Multi-colored? White? Themed ornaments? Heirloom ornaments? Natural ornaments? Small? Big? Electronic moving ornaments? It's crazy. The options are endless, and just like how everyone has a unique Christmas Dinner (ham? turkey? pasta? 5 cup salad? brussel sprouts?), each Christmas Tree is as unique as the people who decorate it.

In my family, my mom goes artificial and likes to decorate the tree herself to make sure each ornament is placed just right. My dad likes a fresh cut tree and don't even think about bowing out of the mandatory tree decorating ceremony where we all dig through old boxes and hear the same stories about how and when we found each ornament as we find the sturdiest of branches for some of the heaviest ornaments I have ever seen. I'm looking at you crazy moving train globe ornament. 

Me? I like a mixture of small multicolored led lights under a layer of old fashioned, big as your fist bulbs to give the tree a 'glowing from within' look. My tree is basically an expression of where I've been and cool artsy crafts that I've done... Some things on my tree aren't even supposed to be tree ornaments, but I don't care. They look cool.

In my opinion, the ornaments people put on their tree is a small glimpse into their soul. So, may I present:

My soul (a.k.a. my Christmas Tree Ornaments)

Who doesn't love Mickey and Minnie? I mean, they've been married for decades.

Mt. Vernon in the snow. Ah, George Washington. History.

Model A Ford from Greenfield Village. What up Henry Ford and Thomas Edison reference!

Every year the White House does an ornament. This is from 2012. I believe it is the Roosevelts.

I made this. My air is in that glass bubble. It is a complete globe. I am amazed that I managed not to make a lumpy blob. It's glass. I blew glass.

To me, this is delightfully whimsy. Styrofoam balls? Frosty face? Count me in.

Another Mt. Vernon ornament. What can I say? I like history.

Martha Stewart came out with a whole line of retro ornaments. I LOVE THEM!!! All of the coolness from the 50's without having to worry about their delicate nature. These are 'shatter resistant'.

Get it? A light ornament? A light that's not a light? Get it? Cheeky little thing you are.

My sidekick, Bella, prevents me from having real tinsel (dogs + tinsel = bad bad bad) so this is a cool way to go vertical and sparkly!!

If you know me at all, you know that I love shoes and all things girl. For years and years people have given me shoe ornaments. I have to be careful about the placement of all of these gems because it could cross the line from shoe enthusiast to a foot fetish tree. 

This big ol' sparkly tassel is not an ornament. It is supposed to be a gift wrapping enhancement. Not anymore!

The Famous Christmas Pickle. Last ornament placed on the tree and whoever finds it first, gets an extra present from Santa.

Ta Da! P.S. This tree is bigger than my Honda. I might have underestimated its girth... or overestimated the size of my living room. Note to self:: You are not P. Diddy. You do not own a McMansion.

Well that's all I have for today kids!  I hope everyone has a joyous Holiday season filled with lots of love and patience and good food and endless viewings of Christmas Vacation and The Christmas Story.

Forever Yours,

The Unemployed Diva.

Bull Penises and dogs.

Random fact of information: You can buy packages of bull penises to give to dogs as treats... um... ok? I mean, yeah the bull is dead, but just looking at those 30 penises all shriveled and gnarly gives me the shivers. 30 penises. 30. That means that more bulls than can fit in my front yard are now dead and without penis. All I'm saying is my sidekick, Bella, will be passing on the penis snacks. Seriously.

I encourage you not to do a google search entitled 'bull penis' you cannot unsee certain things.

Anyway - just thought I would share this lovely piece of information on a sunday - the day of rest (and now bull penises)

In other news - I am on my way to a nut and apricot roll making party. :) Woot woot! And then
I plan on hitting the gym - HARD. MY diet bet is up on Saturday and I want to make sure I get my money back.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!!

Forever Yours,

The Unemployed Diva.

P.S. Been having a debate recently about live Christmas trees - when is the optimal time to buy/cut one down and bring it inside so that it will still have needles and not look dead by Christmas?!? Leave a comment below with your thoughts or hit me up in twitter @kunemployeddiva

The Faces of Yoga

Part of being on this physical well-being journey is trying new exercise activities (mat pilates, working out with a personal trainer, aqua fit, spinning, hiking, free weights, etc). Most of these endeavors leave me shaking, sweating, gasping for air, and ready to reenact that water dropping scene from Flashdance. My muscles hate me right now.

You're Welcome.

So... this morning I did yoga for the first time in a loooong time. I used to practice yoga quite frequently, and even though I have always been voluptuous, I could balance, stretch and hold some crazy positions with the best of them.

Imagine a large, white woman in Jayden Smith's place. Except I wouldn't dangerously perch on the rooftop of an 8 story building while wearing kung fu shoes, corn rows, or a beater.

As I looked around the room I realized that while most people had the look of zen, I looked like I was trying to outrun zombies. I'm ok with that. Zen will come. Hopefully before the zombies. I thought I would share some of my crazy faces with you, perhaps to help you feel more confident when working out but if not, then to give you a hearty laugh this morning at my expense. Either way, good times.

May I present:

The Faces of Yoga

 

 

Sure! I'll try yoga. First thing in the morning. After not doing it for what seems like an eternity... Surely I have not lost too much strength and can still do everything that I did before!

This is not what I imagined.

Um. Ok. I can kind of feel this stretch... I don't remember breathing being so hard.

WHERE ARE MY ABS?!? I mean, I have to still have them, right? RIGHT?!?!

HOLD THE POSITION! Has time stopped? Have you recently changed the batteries in your stopwatch??? This is not 20 seconds. I'm serious. *comes up with plans on how to murder every clock in existence*

I think I farted. That or it was my foot on the mat. Who can be sure? Nope. Definitely a fart.

Did anyone else notice my fart?

Anyone? And do I really look like that? Geesh! Why would anyone want to see themselves 400 times in the studio mirrors? Who is the sadistic bastard that thought, "Hey! Let's put mirrors on every surface so everyone can see themselves at EVERY angle. I'm never having sex again.

This is a cool down? Just laying here shouldn't be this hard. I mean. This? I'm good at. I can watch a NCIS marathon on USA while laying on the couch for hours. Why is laying on a mat in a yoga studio hard??? Maybe Mark Harmon is my spirit animal. Yeah, that must be it. Mark Harmon gives me the power. *Channels Mark Harmon to no avail*

YAY! Class is over!! I made it!! My body is a wonderland and all that shit. But. Um. Guys? Guys!
I can't get up. My muscles have left the building. If I don't get up soon, the cardio kickboxing class is going to start and I'm going to get trampled. Guys? Guys! No one wants to get killed by a bunch of 90 lb super models with perfectly done hair and lip gloss.

I just have to move my big toe. Get it? What's up Kill Bill reference!! Blech. I hate feet.

I guess the point of all of this is to remember that there are going to be times when you look like a fool and feel completely like a fish out of water, but you shouldn't let those feelings stop you from accomplishing your goals. It's ok to be awkward. It's ok to not know exactly how to do something. It's ok to try and not succeed the first time. Just stick with it and the rest will come.

Forever Yours,

The Unemployed Diva

follow me on twitter @kunemployeddiva