Yeah. Yeah. I know. Get it out of your system now! I am well aware that it has been two months since my last post.
Are you done yet?
Good!
Now we can get to the fun stuff!!
And by fun stuff, I mean ask you all a serious question: how in the hell do weeds infiltrate my landscaping with such vengeance every year? I weed and weed and those little bastards just keep on popping up. In fact, how did I know spring was upon us this year? Was it because I saw all of the bulbs that I planted last year sprouting with awe inspiring majesty? Nope. It was when those prickly little weeds with the death spikes started sprouting and creating an army to conquer my flower beds that I knew it was spring. My little flower bulbs are still terrified to blossom! See ya later, daffodils! Hasta la vista, baby hyacinths!
Do the many woodland creatures that visit my yard eat the plethora of prickly spikey death weeds? Nope. Of course not! They go after the hundreds of dollars worth of bulbs of colorful flowers that I planted to make it seem like I give the tiniest of all the fucks about real estate values and making a good impression in my neighborhood.
I have not taken a passive role against the ever growing number of infidels! No siree Bob! I have used round up and some kind of off brand weed killer that came in a black bottle and promised imminent death to all things unwanted in yellow bold lettering with many exclamation marks to no avail. In fact, I could swear that I heard the weeds cackling at my feeble attempts much in the same way the roses laughed at Alice in Alice in Wonderland. Remember?!? They called her a weed! It's all coming full circle for me now. Where's my LSD riddled caterpillar to give a pep talk and send me in the right direction?!? No wonder those little cakes said 'eat me'... I feel pretty certain that at some point a passerby is going to have me committed for yelling obscenities at my flower beds.
So in conclusion, I have just been over here fighting the good fight against mother nature's little prickly pains in the ass. Can you get post traumatic stress disorder from gardening? I'm almost afraid to google that to find out.
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Ibiza: A Pittsburgh Delight!!
As you all know - I generally don't post about specific places on my blog because with everyone being from everywhere how much could you relate to a very location specific topic? Do you want to go dahn tahn or swing by wholey's to get some chipped ham? Be careful though, because I hear it's slippy aht. You might want to warsh and red up before you go. And don't even get me started on the Stillers n'at.
Right? Anyone not from Pittsburgh is probably squinting their eyes, shaking their head, and wondering if I ever passed 3rd grade grammar... I did. And Mrs. Marflak can prove it. Semicolons still vex me though. And sometimes commas. The way I talk in my head leads me want to put them EVERYWHERE. COMMA. But we have gotten slightly off topic.
Ibiza. Yes!
I definitely wouldn't consider myself a foodie, but I didn't get my voluptuous figure by loving carrot sticks and having a strong affinity for running away from or to nothing. There is nothing more satisfying than a great night out with fun people at a cool place that doesn't just serve your typical I-could-technically-make-this-myself-at-home-if-I-ever-went-grocery-shopping fare. Going out to eat is, for me, all about the experience, and at Ibiza last night I had one.
Walking into the little South Side restaurant, I was immediately put in the mood by the decor and styling. It's a really cool mix of textured Spanish style textured plaster walls, dim lighting from fixtures that look more like art pieces than lights, and industrial elements of glass, concrete, wood, and metal. Think old world Spain goes factory.
I noticed my guest had already arrived and was seated at a stained and polished cement table drinking from a globe sized wine glass that was filled with a burgundy pink liquid and tons of fruit. May I introduce you to Ibiza's Sangria. I wish I could tell you that I did my due diligence and scoured the drink menu, but I didn't. I didn't even look at it. One look at my guest's drink and I knew I just had to have one. Or two. And if I didn't need to drive home later I would have had three. Or four.
After pleasantries were exchanged a hush came over the table; not because we didn't have loads to talk about, but because we sat in awe of the menu. Page after page we saw interesting options and delightfully inspired pairings. The conversation then became did we want cold tapas? Warm tapas? Entrees? We finally settled on three warm tapas:
1. Veal Stuffed Banana Peppers resting in a light, thin tomato based sauce.
2. Artichoke Fritters
3. Bacon Wrapped Scallops
My only regret is that we couldn't just order half of the menu. My eyes are forever larger than my stomach. #fatgirlproblems
We asked our waitress to stagger the dishes so that we had time to enjoy each dish while it was still hot and fresh and she timed the meal perfectly. As we were savoring the last morsels of each selection, she would bring out our new favorite.
The Veal Stuffed Banana Peppers made their debut first. To be honest, I'm not really a big veal eater. Baby cows and all of that, but those thoughts went out the door as the morsels played with my palate. The subtle bite of the banana pepper and the acidity of the thin tomato sauce really complimented the rich meaty texture of the veal. We ended up using the thick crusty bread previously delivered with our drinks to soak up all of the remaining sauce so we wouldn't waste a single drop of it. My only negative about this dish is that it was a touch underseasoned and needed to be salted at the table. #Firstworldproblems
Next came the Artichoke Fritters. Four egg shaped fritters sat on a bed of mixed greens and what I believe was an aged balsamic reduction. Artichoke hearts can be tricky. If prepared the wrong way they turn into little greasy flaps with a spongy and unpleasant texture. Not these guys. As we delved into the fritters we couldn't help but exclaim, "mmmmm!!!" and "oh my goodness!". Each bite was an exquisitely balanced orchestra of artichoke heart, garlic, crunchy fried batter, and sweet, tangy balsamic. Scrumptious.
Last of the tapas were the Bacon Wrapped Scallops. Three fist sized scallops came out beautifully wrapped with thick, crispy pieces of bacon on top of another balsamic reduction. On the side of the platter we noticed a small dish filled with a beige puree. Not going to lie, was a little worried. It could of been pureed horseradish and baby dreams for all I knew. It wasn't. It was fruity and savory and had just a hint of a kick. And we couldn't place the flavors anywhere. Perplexing. We soon learned from our attentive waitress that what was dancing on our tongues was grape puree. Grape. So very interesting. The scallops were cooked to perfection and the bacon was in that glorious state of being crispy along the edges, but still soft and juicy. Bacon wrapped scallops are nothing new to the food world, but being executed so well and served with the grape puree made them seem new and fresh.
We rounded our meal off with a cup of coffee for my guest and espresso for me as we contemplated whether or not to indulge in dessert. Of course we did! And while the dessert selection isn't nearly as immense as the rest of the menu, Ibiza offers everything from a gluten free chocolate souffle to flan to a fruit tartlet.
My guest decided on the creme brulee and I ordered the gluten free chocolate souffle with the understanding that I would never know that it was gluten free.
The creme brulee was exactly as creme brulee should be: creamy and rich with a coating of crunchy caramelized sugar on top. It was good.
The show stopper was the chocolate souffle with a thick raspberry sauce (I asked to have it on the side because I'm one of the few people in this world that doesn't love chocolate and raspberry together) and generous dollops of whipped cream. I died. And came back to life and died again. The souffle was decadent and rich and head dizzying glorious. I felt like I could taste color. I was so happy that I had ordered the espresso because it went so well with the chocolate souffle. And our waitress was right; had I not been told that it was gluten free I would have had no idea.
Ibiza was an experience. The wait staff was attentive, the manager mingled with the guests, the valets actually moved our cars to right outside of the restaurant when it became clear that we were closing down the restaurant and hand delivered our keys. The prices were to be expected for the quality of food and level of service that was provided (our bill came out to just over $100 for the two of us - each having two drinks with dinner).
To say that I would go back is an understatement. I mean, I'm not going to make it a weekly routine, but it will definitely be put on the list of places to go!
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva.
Are you following me on twitter????? If not, shame on you. I'm delightful, DAMMIT!! @kunemployeddiva
MEME BREAK!!
Right? Anyone not from Pittsburgh is probably squinting their eyes, shaking their head, and wondering if I ever passed 3rd grade grammar... I did. And Mrs. Marflak can prove it. Semicolons still vex me though. And sometimes commas. The way I talk in my head leads me want to put them EVERYWHERE. COMMA. But we have gotten slightly off topic.
Ibiza. Yes!
I definitely wouldn't consider myself a foodie, but I didn't get my voluptuous figure by loving carrot sticks and having a strong affinity for running away from or to nothing. There is nothing more satisfying than a great night out with fun people at a cool place that doesn't just serve your typical I-could-technically-make-this-myself-at-home-if-I-ever-went-grocery-shopping fare. Going out to eat is, for me, all about the experience, and at Ibiza last night I had one.
Walking into the little South Side restaurant, I was immediately put in the mood by the decor and styling. It's a really cool mix of textured Spanish style textured plaster walls, dim lighting from fixtures that look more like art pieces than lights, and industrial elements of glass, concrete, wood, and metal. Think old world Spain goes factory.
I noticed my guest had already arrived and was seated at a stained and polished cement table drinking from a globe sized wine glass that was filled with a burgundy pink liquid and tons of fruit. May I introduce you to Ibiza's Sangria. I wish I could tell you that I did my due diligence and scoured the drink menu, but I didn't. I didn't even look at it. One look at my guest's drink and I knew I just had to have one. Or two. And if I didn't need to drive home later I would have had three. Or four.
After pleasantries were exchanged a hush came over the table; not because we didn't have loads to talk about, but because we sat in awe of the menu. Page after page we saw interesting options and delightfully inspired pairings. The conversation then became did we want cold tapas? Warm tapas? Entrees? We finally settled on three warm tapas:
1. Veal Stuffed Banana Peppers resting in a light, thin tomato based sauce.
2. Artichoke Fritters
3. Bacon Wrapped Scallops
My only regret is that we couldn't just order half of the menu. My eyes are forever larger than my stomach. #fatgirlproblems
We asked our waitress to stagger the dishes so that we had time to enjoy each dish while it was still hot and fresh and she timed the meal perfectly. As we were savoring the last morsels of each selection, she would bring out our new favorite.
The Veal Stuffed Banana Peppers made their debut first. To be honest, I'm not really a big veal eater. Baby cows and all of that, but those thoughts went out the door as the morsels played with my palate. The subtle bite of the banana pepper and the acidity of the thin tomato sauce really complimented the rich meaty texture of the veal. We ended up using the thick crusty bread previously delivered with our drinks to soak up all of the remaining sauce so we wouldn't waste a single drop of it. My only negative about this dish is that it was a touch underseasoned and needed to be salted at the table. #Firstworldproblems
Next came the Artichoke Fritters. Four egg shaped fritters sat on a bed of mixed greens and what I believe was an aged balsamic reduction. Artichoke hearts can be tricky. If prepared the wrong way they turn into little greasy flaps with a spongy and unpleasant texture. Not these guys. As we delved into the fritters we couldn't help but exclaim, "mmmmm!!!" and "oh my goodness!". Each bite was an exquisitely balanced orchestra of artichoke heart, garlic, crunchy fried batter, and sweet, tangy balsamic. Scrumptious.
Last of the tapas were the Bacon Wrapped Scallops. Three fist sized scallops came out beautifully wrapped with thick, crispy pieces of bacon on top of another balsamic reduction. On the side of the platter we noticed a small dish filled with a beige puree. Not going to lie, was a little worried. It could of been pureed horseradish and baby dreams for all I knew. It wasn't. It was fruity and savory and had just a hint of a kick. And we couldn't place the flavors anywhere. Perplexing. We soon learned from our attentive waitress that what was dancing on our tongues was grape puree. Grape. So very interesting. The scallops were cooked to perfection and the bacon was in that glorious state of being crispy along the edges, but still soft and juicy. Bacon wrapped scallops are nothing new to the food world, but being executed so well and served with the grape puree made them seem new and fresh.
We rounded our meal off with a cup of coffee for my guest and espresso for me as we contemplated whether or not to indulge in dessert. Of course we did! And while the dessert selection isn't nearly as immense as the rest of the menu, Ibiza offers everything from a gluten free chocolate souffle to flan to a fruit tartlet.
My guest decided on the creme brulee and I ordered the gluten free chocolate souffle with the understanding that I would never know that it was gluten free.
The creme brulee was exactly as creme brulee should be: creamy and rich with a coating of crunchy caramelized sugar on top. It was good.
The show stopper was the chocolate souffle with a thick raspberry sauce (I asked to have it on the side because I'm one of the few people in this world that doesn't love chocolate and raspberry together) and generous dollops of whipped cream. I died. And came back to life and died again. The souffle was decadent and rich and head dizzying glorious. I felt like I could taste color. I was so happy that I had ordered the espresso because it went so well with the chocolate souffle. And our waitress was right; had I not been told that it was gluten free I would have had no idea.
Ibiza was an experience. The wait staff was attentive, the manager mingled with the guests, the valets actually moved our cars to right outside of the restaurant when it became clear that we were closing down the restaurant and hand delivered our keys. The prices were to be expected for the quality of food and level of service that was provided (our bill came out to just over $100 for the two of us - each having two drinks with dinner).
To say that I would go back is an understatement. I mean, I'm not going to make it a weekly routine, but it will definitely be put on the list of places to go!
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva.
Are you following me on twitter????? If not, shame on you. I'm delightful, DAMMIT!! @kunemployeddiva
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
10 Things Single Women Don't Want to Hear.
I'm single and ready to mingle! Actually, scratch that. I'm not ready to mingle. Contrary to popular belief not every single woman is sitting in the shadows with her man trap laid just waiting to ensnare a male specimen so she can drag him down the aisle and force him to make many, many babies with her. Shock! and Awe! and Gasp! and all of that other crap that basically means Holy Shit Balls!
The truth is that right now, I'm working on me. And that's freaking ok. Super ok, even. Fantastically wonderful! The problem is that to every single married/engaged/in a serious relationship person - I am considered broken. WTF?!? And I'm tired of hearing some of the go to phrases that 'in a relationship' people keep saying to me.
For example:
1. Don't you worry! Prince Charming is out there!!!
Um. Ok? Thanks? I'll just stop everything to get out my man hunting binoculars and not sleep until I find him. Now where did I put my man net??? Hmmm... I know the people that say this phrase to me are trying to be helpful and hopeful that I find a man that I can eventually settle down with, but let's get one thing straight: It's ok if he's not out there too. Like really. I'm having a lot of fun right now and am ok with the concept of living unattached at the moment. Sorry, Mom. :)
2. Aw! Sweetie! Don't you want to hurry up and find a man so you can still have children??? You did turn 30 this year...
What I really want to say to these people is: fuck off, but what I end up saying sounds more like me gulping down a glass of wine. Sigh. Why is it ok to ask someone about their reproductive choices?!? Hey, Married Person! Don't you regret having your second child? I mean, the first and third turned out ok, but that second one is a little weird.
3. Have you tried online dating? My boss's friend's cousin found the man of her dreams on ::PICK ANY ONE OF THE DAMN DATING WEBSITES::
Yes, I have. And all I have to say to that is, from now on I'm sticking to meeting men in person. I think that dating websites should cut the bullshit and stop asking what people's hobbies are (everyone says music, movies, going out with friends, and working out anyway. OOOOO. Original.), and ask instead: Do you have a car? A 401k? Pay your bills on time? Volunteer? Live on your own? Own underwear that you would not be ashamed of me seeing? Will you try to murder me in my sleep? Have you ever had a brain injury? Is your ex-wife bat shit crazy? Does your wife know you made this profile?
4. Don't you ever get lonely?
Yes. Sometimes I get lonely, and you know what I do when that happens?? I call a friend up and go to dinner or drinks or invite people over, dumbass. Man + Woman doesn't necessarily equal a cure for loneliness. I hate to break it to you, but I know a ton of couples that try to escape from their other half because they are bored or lonely in their relationship.
5. Aren't you afraid that all of the 'good' ones are taken???
Nope. And you know why? Because some girl's garbage is another one's treasure.
6. Men are just intimidated by your intelligence/confidence.
Really, did you just say that to me? Contrary to the way men are portrayed in women's magazines, men are not bumbling bafoons who are trying to keep women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. In fact, I think most men prefer intelligent and confident women instead of drooling, vapid idiots with big boobs and no substance. At least that's what I'm hoping. The day I have to become a Barbie Girl, is the day I'm screwed. Metaphorically.
7. You should make yourself more open to meeting someone.
Like, with an 'Open All Day' sign? Should I post my hours of operation, too? Should I just start making weird, creepy eye contact with men all day? How does one make herself more open without bending over and showing labia???
8. Whatever happened to :: INSERT EX'S NAME HERE ::?? I thought you two were always so good together.
I murdered him and hid him in the basement. Um. What do you think?? Of course he has a new girl friend or wife or baby or promotion at work or hot car or won the lottery. Of course. But I'm so happy for him because I don't want to come across as a heartless cold bitch. Duh.
9. I'm getting married!!! To my best friend in the whole wide world!!! Do you think you can find a plus one in time for the wedding?
Nope. I plan on using your wedding as a new dating pool. I'm going to dress like the biggest slut in the world and ask for the names of the groomsman in advance so I can start facebook and twitter stalking them early. But if you want to tell the caterer to have my own bottle of wine waiting for me at my place setting and to swing by with a second piece of cake, that would be ok too.
10. Hey! Since you are unattached do you mind watching my kids, picking this random thing up, doing this incredibly annoying task? You have no man or children which means your schedule is just gaping open, right?
I do, actually. So go get bent. Just because you are attached and have decided to procreate doesn't mean that I'm at your beck and call. I have stuff too, you know. Like watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Marathon. Respect my choices!
So people, the next time you have the urge to say something like anything from above to one of your single friends, just stop it. Fucking calm your roll and just chill because it's not easy being single in this crazy day and age. One day I'll share some of my dating stories and then you'll weep for me. Really.
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva
The truth is that right now, I'm working on me. And that's freaking ok. Super ok, even. Fantastically wonderful! The problem is that to every single married/engaged/in a serious relationship person - I am considered broken. WTF?!? And I'm tired of hearing some of the go to phrases that 'in a relationship' people keep saying to me.
For example:
1. Don't you worry! Prince Charming is out there!!!
Um. Ok? Thanks? I'll just stop everything to get out my man hunting binoculars and not sleep until I find him. Now where did I put my man net??? Hmmm... I know the people that say this phrase to me are trying to be helpful and hopeful that I find a man that I can eventually settle down with, but let's get one thing straight: It's ok if he's not out there too. Like really. I'm having a lot of fun right now and am ok with the concept of living unattached at the moment. Sorry, Mom. :)
2. Aw! Sweetie! Don't you want to hurry up and find a man so you can still have children??? You did turn 30 this year...
What I really want to say to these people is: fuck off, but what I end up saying sounds more like me gulping down a glass of wine. Sigh. Why is it ok to ask someone about their reproductive choices?!? Hey, Married Person! Don't you regret having your second child? I mean, the first and third turned out ok, but that second one is a little weird.
3. Have you tried online dating? My boss's friend's cousin found the man of her dreams on ::PICK ANY ONE OF THE DAMN DATING WEBSITES::
Yes, I have. And all I have to say to that is, from now on I'm sticking to meeting men in person. I think that dating websites should cut the bullshit and stop asking what people's hobbies are (everyone says music, movies, going out with friends, and working out anyway. OOOOO. Original.), and ask instead: Do you have a car? A 401k? Pay your bills on time? Volunteer? Live on your own? Own underwear that you would not be ashamed of me seeing? Will you try to murder me in my sleep? Have you ever had a brain injury? Is your ex-wife bat shit crazy? Does your wife know you made this profile?
4. Don't you ever get lonely?
Yes. Sometimes I get lonely, and you know what I do when that happens?? I call a friend up and go to dinner or drinks or invite people over, dumbass. Man + Woman doesn't necessarily equal a cure for loneliness. I hate to break it to you, but I know a ton of couples that try to escape from their other half because they are bored or lonely in their relationship.
5. Aren't you afraid that all of the 'good' ones are taken???
Nope. And you know why? Because some girl's garbage is another one's treasure.
6. Men are just intimidated by your intelligence/confidence.
Really, did you just say that to me? Contrary to the way men are portrayed in women's magazines, men are not bumbling bafoons who are trying to keep women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. In fact, I think most men prefer intelligent and confident women instead of drooling, vapid idiots with big boobs and no substance. At least that's what I'm hoping. The day I have to become a Barbie Girl, is the day I'm screwed. Metaphorically.
7. You should make yourself more open to meeting someone.
Like, with an 'Open All Day' sign? Should I post my hours of operation, too? Should I just start making weird, creepy eye contact with men all day? How does one make herself more open without bending over and showing labia???
8. Whatever happened to :: INSERT EX'S NAME HERE ::?? I thought you two were always so good together.
I murdered him and hid him in the basement. Um. What do you think?? Of course he has a new girl friend or wife or baby or promotion at work or hot car or won the lottery. Of course. But I'm so happy for him because I don't want to come across as a heartless cold bitch. Duh.
9. I'm getting married!!! To my best friend in the whole wide world!!! Do you think you can find a plus one in time for the wedding?
Nope. I plan on using your wedding as a new dating pool. I'm going to dress like the biggest slut in the world and ask for the names of the groomsman in advance so I can start facebook and twitter stalking them early. But if you want to tell the caterer to have my own bottle of wine waiting for me at my place setting and to swing by with a second piece of cake, that would be ok too.
10. Hey! Since you are unattached do you mind watching my kids, picking this random thing up, doing this incredibly annoying task? You have no man or children which means your schedule is just gaping open, right?
I do, actually. So go get bent. Just because you are attached and have decided to procreate doesn't mean that I'm at your beck and call. I have stuff too, you know. Like watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Marathon. Respect my choices!
So people, the next time you have the urge to say something like anything from above to one of your single friends, just stop it. Fucking calm your roll and just chill because it's not easy being single in this crazy day and age. One day I'll share some of my dating stories and then you'll weep for me. Really.
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
What I Learned in 2013: And other crap that's kinda relevant.
2013 is coming to a close. Wait. What? It's been a whole year??? Yup! And oh what a year it has been! This year has been a really big year for me personally and I want to share some things I've learned.
1. It's ok to go on your own path - even if it causes your parents (I'm looking at you, Mom!) to constantly question, "What are you doing with your life??" I've never been a traditional kind person and I don't know why I ever thought that I could go down a traditional path and feel fulfilled. I've always done things in my own time, and for the first time, I'm embracing it. Thank you, 2013 for that. It's scary as bleepity bleep bleep - but in a good way.
That first one was a big one - so let's take it down a notch
2. Almost everything cooks in the microwave for 3 minutes. For years I have been hovering over my microwave waiting and checking and waiting and checking. Nope. Not anymore. Very rarely is anything over or under heated if you set the timer for 3 minutes. I now spend that time checking Twitter. Follow me @kunemployeddiva #shamelessplug #sorrynotsorry
3. People pleasing is always a no-no. I always thought helping and doing everything to please others as much as I could was a good thing. ERRRR! Wrong. Very wrong. Super duper wrong. With cherries on top. I had an epiphany. People pleasing is not only damaging to you, but also to the people you love. How, you ask? When you are doing something to please someone else at the expense of yourself - it helps no one. You resent yourself for not standing by your convictions and resent the person that put you in that position in the first place. I'm not saying to completely disregard others - what I'm saying is that doing something for someone should never give you that icky exasperated feeling. You know which one I'm talking about. Don't even play like you don't.
4. It's ok to love yourself AND to want to work on yourself all at the same time. Say it with me now. YOU. CAN. LOVE. YOURSELF. AND. WANT. TO. WORK. ON. YOURSELF. ALL. AT. THE. SAME. TIME. Seriously. Repeat it over and over until it sinks in. I'm going to warn you - it is not going to be easy. We have been taught by the media, old school thinking and a whole bunch of other places that the only way to love ourselves is if the person looking back from the mirror is what society sees as 'perfection'. For me, this applies to the way I feel about my body. For as long as I can remember, I have hated the way I've looked. Hated it. Despised it. And had in the back of my head for every second of every minute of every hour of every day that I was worthless because I didn't look like how I thought I should. That's a lot of emotional baggage to carry around. 2013 taught me that I really can find ways to love and accept myself and still want to improve and grow. I could probably do a whole series on this topic, but for now this is all I'm going to say about it.
5. Last, but certainly not least. Thank you 2013 for teaching me that there are going to be times when you are a good friend to someone, but they are incapable of showing you how much you mean to them. And also, there are going to be times when people are good friends to you and that you are incapable of showing them how much they mean to you. This year I have been both a good friend and (admittedly) a shitty friend. When I'm going through something the first thing I do is clam up because I think the last thing anyone wants to hear about it someone else's problems. To friends that reach out during that 'going through some stuff' period - I'm in solitary mode and am not receptive to others. Is this healthy?? Probably not. Is it behavior that I'm working on and trying to modify? Yup. Do I still value your friendship and respect you and want you there. but just at a distance for awhile? Totally.
2013 has been quite a year in both good ways and bad, but we've made it to 2014. I'm not really a person that follows resolutions, but I will say this, last February I signed a year long contract for personal training. I've used maybe 8 sessions all year. I've spent over $1200 on it. I solemnly resolve to never do that shit again and to cancel it before I get charged for another month.
Be safe everyone and have a Happy New Year!
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva.
1. It's ok to go on your own path - even if it causes your parents (I'm looking at you, Mom!) to constantly question, "What are you doing with your life??" I've never been a traditional kind person and I don't know why I ever thought that I could go down a traditional path and feel fulfilled. I've always done things in my own time, and for the first time, I'm embracing it. Thank you, 2013 for that. It's scary as bleepity bleep bleep - but in a good way.
That first one was a big one - so let's take it down a notch
2. Almost everything cooks in the microwave for 3 minutes. For years I have been hovering over my microwave waiting and checking and waiting and checking. Nope. Not anymore. Very rarely is anything over or under heated if you set the timer for 3 minutes. I now spend that time checking Twitter. Follow me @kunemployeddiva #shamelessplug #sorrynotsorry
3. People pleasing is always a no-no. I always thought helping and doing everything to please others as much as I could was a good thing. ERRRR! Wrong. Very wrong. Super duper wrong. With cherries on top. I had an epiphany. People pleasing is not only damaging to you, but also to the people you love. How, you ask? When you are doing something to please someone else at the expense of yourself - it helps no one. You resent yourself for not standing by your convictions and resent the person that put you in that position in the first place. I'm not saying to completely disregard others - what I'm saying is that doing something for someone should never give you that icky exasperated feeling. You know which one I'm talking about. Don't even play like you don't.
4. It's ok to love yourself AND to want to work on yourself all at the same time. Say it with me now. YOU. CAN. LOVE. YOURSELF. AND. WANT. TO. WORK. ON. YOURSELF. ALL. AT. THE. SAME. TIME. Seriously. Repeat it over and over until it sinks in. I'm going to warn you - it is not going to be easy. We have been taught by the media, old school thinking and a whole bunch of other places that the only way to love ourselves is if the person looking back from the mirror is what society sees as 'perfection'. For me, this applies to the way I feel about my body. For as long as I can remember, I have hated the way I've looked. Hated it. Despised it. And had in the back of my head for every second of every minute of every hour of every day that I was worthless because I didn't look like how I thought I should. That's a lot of emotional baggage to carry around. 2013 taught me that I really can find ways to love and accept myself and still want to improve and grow. I could probably do a whole series on this topic, but for now this is all I'm going to say about it.
5. Last, but certainly not least. Thank you 2013 for teaching me that there are going to be times when you are a good friend to someone, but they are incapable of showing you how much you mean to them. And also, there are going to be times when people are good friends to you and that you are incapable of showing them how much they mean to you. This year I have been both a good friend and (admittedly) a shitty friend. When I'm going through something the first thing I do is clam up because I think the last thing anyone wants to hear about it someone else's problems. To friends that reach out during that 'going through some stuff' period - I'm in solitary mode and am not receptive to others. Is this healthy?? Probably not. Is it behavior that I'm working on and trying to modify? Yup. Do I still value your friendship and respect you and want you there. but just at a distance for awhile? Totally.
2013 has been quite a year in both good ways and bad, but we've made it to 2014. I'm not really a person that follows resolutions, but I will say this, last February I signed a year long contract for personal training. I've used maybe 8 sessions all year. I've spent over $1200 on it. I solemnly resolve to never do that shit again and to cancel it before I get charged for another month.
Be safe everyone and have a Happy New Year!
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Rain Drops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.
Brown paper packages ties with string.
These are a few of my favorite things...
The Christmas Countdown is officially upon us!!! YAY!!! With 9 days left until Santa comes, I thought I would talk a little today about Christmas trees. All Oh Tannebaum, Oh Tannebaum style.
This history of the Christmas Tree is actually quite interesting. The basic gist is: Before Christianity, ancient people were fascinated by plants that stayed green all year round. They thought the always green plants had special powers and they used them to help bring the sun back. You see, most cultures believed that the sun was a god and in the Winter, when the days became dark and dreary, these magical evergreens were thought to help make the sun god stronger. In those times - stronger sun = warmer weather = planting season = crops = get in my belly.
The Christmas Tree that we all know and love today came to us from Germany. Most Germans would bring evergreens inside their homes, display them on a wooden pyramid, and decorate them with nuts and berries. Eventually they brought in full trees (much smaller than the floor to ceiling trees that we cherish today) and decorated them with hand made ornaments.
What really surprised me about the history of the Christmas tree is that America, as a whole, was ANTI-CHRISTMAS TREE!!! for a decent amount of time. The original colonists a.k.a the Puritans thought Christmas trees were pagan symbols and made a mockery of the church. Basically, anything Christmasy was frowned upon and anyone who celebrated was deemed a heathen and thereby shunned. As a colonist you were punished for hanging decorations. Way to be joy suckers, pilgrims.
It wasn't until there was an influx of German and Irish immigrants in the 19th century that the Christmas Tree came back in to style. Yay!!! Once electricity made its way onto the scene - people started decorating their trees with strands of lights. Ornaments, for the most part, were still handmade and being shipped from Germany to the U.S. Once mass production started taking place, we no longer looked to Germany to supply our ornaments and produced them in the States.
What is so cool about this whole transformation is that these days each family has their own traditions when it comes to this blessed tree. Some cut it down fresh. Others have artificial trees. Some go to lots and buy a pre cut tree. Then there are the lights and ornaments! Twinkle? Chaser? Multi-colored? White? Themed ornaments? Heirloom ornaments? Natural ornaments? Small? Big? Electronic moving ornaments? It's crazy. The options are endless, and just like how everyone has a unique Christmas Dinner (ham? turkey? pasta? 5 cup salad? brussel sprouts?), each Christmas Tree is as unique as the people who decorate it.
In my family, my mom goes artificial and likes to decorate the tree herself to make sure each ornament is placed just right. My dad likes a fresh cut tree and don't even think about bowing out of the mandatory tree decorating ceremony where we all dig through old boxes and hear the same stories about how and when we found each ornament as we find the sturdiest of branches for some of the heaviest ornaments I have ever seen. I'm looking at you crazy moving train globe ornament.
Me? I like a mixture of small multicolored led lights under a layer of old fashioned, big as your fist bulbs to give the tree a 'glowing from within' look. My tree is basically an expression of where I've been and cool artsy crafts that I've done... Some things on my tree aren't even supposed to be tree ornaments, but I don't care. They look cool.
In my opinion, the ornaments people put on their tree is a small glimpse into their soul. So, may I present:
My soul (a.k.a. my Christmas Tree Ornaments)
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| Who doesn't love Mickey and Minnie? I mean, they've been married for decades. |
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| Mt. Vernon in the snow. Ah, George Washington. History. |
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| Model A Ford from Greenfield Village. What up Henry Ford and Thomas Edison reference! |
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| Every year the White House does an ornament. This is from 2012. I believe it is the Roosevelts. |
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| I made this. My air is in that glass bubble. It is a complete globe. I am amazed that I managed not to make a lumpy blob. It's glass. I blew glass. |
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| To me, this is delightfully whimsy. Styrofoam balls? Frosty face? Count me in. |
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| Another Mt. Vernon ornament. What can I say? I like history. |
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| Martha Stewart came out with a whole line of retro ornaments. I LOVE THEM!!! All of the coolness from the 50's without having to worry about their delicate nature. These are 'shatter resistant'. |
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| Get it? A light ornament? A light that's not a light? Get it? Cheeky little thing you are. |
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| My sidekick, Bella, prevents me from having real tinsel (dogs + tinsel = bad bad bad) so this is a cool way to go vertical and sparkly!! |
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| If you know me at all, you know that I love shoes and all things girl. For years and years people have given me shoe ornaments. I have to be careful about the placement of all of these gems because it could cross the line from shoe enthusiast to a foot fetish tree. |
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| This big ol' sparkly tassel is not an ornament. It is supposed to be a gift wrapping enhancement. Not anymore! |
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| The Famous Christmas Pickle. Last ornament placed on the tree and whoever finds it first, gets an extra present from Santa. |
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| Ta Da! P.S. This tree is bigger than my Honda. I might have underestimated its girth... or overestimated the size of my living room. Note to self:: You are not P. Diddy. You do not own a McMansion. |
Well that's all I have for today kids! I hope everyone has a joyous Holiday season filled with lots of love and patience and good food and endless viewings of Christmas Vacation and The Christmas Story.
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Bull Penises and dogs.
Random fact of information: You can buy packages of bull penises to give to dogs as treats... um... ok? I mean, yeah the bull is dead, but just looking at those 30 penises all shriveled and gnarly gives me the shivers. 30 penises. 30. That means that more bulls than can fit in my front yard are now dead and without penis. All I'm saying is my sidekick, Bella, will be passing on the penis snacks. Seriously.
Anyway - just thought I would share this lovely piece of information on a sunday - the day of rest (and now bull penises)
In other news - I am on my way to a nut and apricot roll making party. :) Woot woot! And then
I plan on hitting the gym - HARD. MY diet bet is up on Saturday and I want to make sure I get my money back.
Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!!
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva.
P.S. Been having a debate recently about live Christmas trees - when is the optimal time to buy/cut one down and bring it inside so that it will still have needles and not look dead by Christmas?!? Leave a comment below with your thoughts or hit me up in twitter @kunemployeddiva
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| I encourage you not to do a google search entitled 'bull penis' you cannot unsee certain things. |
Anyway - just thought I would share this lovely piece of information on a sunday - the day of rest (and now bull penises)
In other news - I am on my way to a nut and apricot roll making party. :) Woot woot! And then
I plan on hitting the gym - HARD. MY diet bet is up on Saturday and I want to make sure I get my money back.
Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!!
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva.
P.S. Been having a debate recently about live Christmas trees - when is the optimal time to buy/cut one down and bring it inside so that it will still have needles and not look dead by Christmas?!? Leave a comment below with your thoughts or hit me up in twitter @kunemployeddiva
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
The Faces of Yoga
Part of being on this physical well-being journey is trying new exercise activities (mat pilates, working out with a personal trainer, aqua fit, spinning, hiking, free weights, etc). Most of these endeavors leave me shaking, sweating, gasping for air, and ready to reenact that water dropping scene from Flashdance. My muscles hate me right now.
So... this morning I did yoga for the first time in a loooong time. I used to practice yoga quite frequently, and even though I have always been voluptuous, I could balance, stretch and hold some crazy positions with the best of them.
As I looked around the room I realized that while most people had the look of zen, I looked like I was trying to outrun zombies. I'm ok with that. Zen will come. Hopefully before the zombies. I thought I would share some of my crazy faces with you, perhaps to help you feel more confident when working out but if not, then to give you a hearty laugh this morning at my expense. Either way, good times.
May I present:
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva
follow me on twitter @kunemployeddiva
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| You're Welcome. |
So... this morning I did yoga for the first time in a loooong time. I used to practice yoga quite frequently, and even though I have always been voluptuous, I could balance, stretch and hold some crazy positions with the best of them.
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| Imagine a large, white woman in Jayden Smith's place. Except I wouldn't dangerously perch on the rooftop of an 8 story building while wearing kung fu shoes, corn rows, or a beater. |
As I looked around the room I realized that while most people had the look of zen, I looked like I was trying to outrun zombies. I'm ok with that. Zen will come. Hopefully before the zombies. I thought I would share some of my crazy faces with you, perhaps to help you feel more confident when working out but if not, then to give you a hearty laugh this morning at my expense. Either way, good times.
May I present:
The Faces of Yoga
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| Sure! I'll try yoga. First thing in the morning. After not doing it for what seems like an eternity... Surely I have not lost too much strength and can still do everything that I did before! |
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| This is not what I imagined. |
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| Um. Ok. I can kind of feel this stretch... I don't remember breathing being so hard. |
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| WHERE ARE MY ABS?!? I mean, I have to still have them, right? RIGHT?!?! |
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| HOLD THE POSITION! Has time stopped? Have you recently changed the batteries in your stopwatch??? This is not 20 seconds. I'm serious. *comes up with plans on how to murder every clock in existence* |
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| I think I farted. That or it was my foot on the mat. Who can be sure? Nope. Definitely a fart. |
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| Did anyone else notice my fart? |
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| Anyone? And do I really look like that? Geesh! Why would anyone want to see themselves 400 times in the studio mirrors? Who is the sadistic bastard that thought, "Hey! Let's put mirrors on every surface so everyone can see themselves at EVERY angle. I'm never having sex again. |
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| This is a cool down? Just laying here shouldn't be this hard. I mean. This? I'm good at. I can watch a NCIS marathon on USA while laying on the couch for hours. Why is laying on a mat in a yoga studio hard??? Maybe Mark Harmon is my spirit animal. Yeah, that must be it. Mark Harmon gives me the power. *Channels Mark Harmon to no avail* |
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| YAY! Class is over!! I made it!! My body is a wonderland and all that shit. But. Um. Guys? Guys! I can't get up. My muscles have left the building. If I don't get up soon, the cardio kickboxing class is going to start and I'm going to get trampled. Guys? Guys! No one wants to get killed by a bunch of 90 lb super models with perfectly done hair and lip gloss. |
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| I just have to move my big toe. Get it? What's up Kill Bill reference!! Blech. I hate feet. |
I guess the point of all of this is to remember that there are going to be times when you look like a fool and feel completely like a fish out of water, but you shouldn't let those feelings stop you from accomplishing your goals. It's ok to be awkward. It's ok to not know exactly how to do something. It's ok to try and not succeed the first time. Just stick with it and the rest will come.
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva
follow me on twitter @kunemployeddiva
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