Yeah. Yeah. I know. Get it out of your system now! I am well aware that it has been two months since my last post.
Are you done yet?
Good!
Now we can get to the fun stuff!!
And by fun stuff, I mean ask you all a serious question: how in the hell do weeds infiltrate my landscaping with such vengeance every year? I weed and weed and those little bastards just keep on popping up. In fact, how did I know spring was upon us this year? Was it because I saw all of the bulbs that I planted last year sprouting with awe inspiring majesty? Nope. It was when those prickly little weeds with the death spikes started sprouting and creating an army to conquer my flower beds that I knew it was spring. My little flower bulbs are still terrified to blossom! See ya later, daffodils! Hasta la vista, baby hyacinths!
Do the many woodland creatures that visit my yard eat the plethora of prickly spikey death weeds? Nope. Of course not! They go after the hundreds of dollars worth of bulbs of colorful flowers that I planted to make it seem like I give the tiniest of all the fucks about real estate values and making a good impression in my neighborhood.
I have not taken a passive role against the ever growing number of infidels! No siree Bob! I have used round up and some kind of off brand weed killer that came in a black bottle and promised imminent death to all things unwanted in yellow bold lettering with many exclamation marks to no avail. In fact, I could swear that I heard the weeds cackling at my feeble attempts much in the same way the roses laughed at Alice in Alice in Wonderland. Remember?!? They called her a weed! It's all coming full circle for me now. Where's my LSD riddled caterpillar to give a pep talk and send me in the right direction?!? No wonder those little cakes said 'eat me'... I feel pretty certain that at some point a passerby is going to have me committed for yelling obscenities at my flower beds.
So in conclusion, I have just been over here fighting the good fight against mother nature's little prickly pains in the ass. Can you get post traumatic stress disorder from gardening? I'm almost afraid to google that to find out.
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Ibiza: A Pittsburgh Delight!!
As you all know - I generally don't post about specific places on my blog because with everyone being from everywhere how much could you relate to a very location specific topic? Do you want to go dahn tahn or swing by wholey's to get some chipped ham? Be careful though, because I hear it's slippy aht. You might want to warsh and red up before you go. And don't even get me started on the Stillers n'at.
Right? Anyone not from Pittsburgh is probably squinting their eyes, shaking their head, and wondering if I ever passed 3rd grade grammar... I did. And Mrs. Marflak can prove it. Semicolons still vex me though. And sometimes commas. The way I talk in my head leads me want to put them EVERYWHERE. COMMA. But we have gotten slightly off topic.
Ibiza. Yes!
I definitely wouldn't consider myself a foodie, but I didn't get my voluptuous figure by loving carrot sticks and having a strong affinity for running away from or to nothing. There is nothing more satisfying than a great night out with fun people at a cool place that doesn't just serve your typical I-could-technically-make-this-myself-at-home-if-I-ever-went-grocery-shopping fare. Going out to eat is, for me, all about the experience, and at Ibiza last night I had one.
Walking into the little South Side restaurant, I was immediately put in the mood by the decor and styling. It's a really cool mix of textured Spanish style textured plaster walls, dim lighting from fixtures that look more like art pieces than lights, and industrial elements of glass, concrete, wood, and metal. Think old world Spain goes factory.
I noticed my guest had already arrived and was seated at a stained and polished cement table drinking from a globe sized wine glass that was filled with a burgundy pink liquid and tons of fruit. May I introduce you to Ibiza's Sangria. I wish I could tell you that I did my due diligence and scoured the drink menu, but I didn't. I didn't even look at it. One look at my guest's drink and I knew I just had to have one. Or two. And if I didn't need to drive home later I would have had three. Or four.
After pleasantries were exchanged a hush came over the table; not because we didn't have loads to talk about, but because we sat in awe of the menu. Page after page we saw interesting options and delightfully inspired pairings. The conversation then became did we want cold tapas? Warm tapas? Entrees? We finally settled on three warm tapas:
1. Veal Stuffed Banana Peppers resting in a light, thin tomato based sauce.
2. Artichoke Fritters
3. Bacon Wrapped Scallops
My only regret is that we couldn't just order half of the menu. My eyes are forever larger than my stomach. #fatgirlproblems
We asked our waitress to stagger the dishes so that we had time to enjoy each dish while it was still hot and fresh and she timed the meal perfectly. As we were savoring the last morsels of each selection, she would bring out our new favorite.
The Veal Stuffed Banana Peppers made their debut first. To be honest, I'm not really a big veal eater. Baby cows and all of that, but those thoughts went out the door as the morsels played with my palate. The subtle bite of the banana pepper and the acidity of the thin tomato sauce really complimented the rich meaty texture of the veal. We ended up using the thick crusty bread previously delivered with our drinks to soak up all of the remaining sauce so we wouldn't waste a single drop of it. My only negative about this dish is that it was a touch underseasoned and needed to be salted at the table. #Firstworldproblems
Next came the Artichoke Fritters. Four egg shaped fritters sat on a bed of mixed greens and what I believe was an aged balsamic reduction. Artichoke hearts can be tricky. If prepared the wrong way they turn into little greasy flaps with a spongy and unpleasant texture. Not these guys. As we delved into the fritters we couldn't help but exclaim, "mmmmm!!!" and "oh my goodness!". Each bite was an exquisitely balanced orchestra of artichoke heart, garlic, crunchy fried batter, and sweet, tangy balsamic. Scrumptious.
Last of the tapas were the Bacon Wrapped Scallops. Three fist sized scallops came out beautifully wrapped with thick, crispy pieces of bacon on top of another balsamic reduction. On the side of the platter we noticed a small dish filled with a beige puree. Not going to lie, was a little worried. It could of been pureed horseradish and baby dreams for all I knew. It wasn't. It was fruity and savory and had just a hint of a kick. And we couldn't place the flavors anywhere. Perplexing. We soon learned from our attentive waitress that what was dancing on our tongues was grape puree. Grape. So very interesting. The scallops were cooked to perfection and the bacon was in that glorious state of being crispy along the edges, but still soft and juicy. Bacon wrapped scallops are nothing new to the food world, but being executed so well and served with the grape puree made them seem new and fresh.
We rounded our meal off with a cup of coffee for my guest and espresso for me as we contemplated whether or not to indulge in dessert. Of course we did! And while the dessert selection isn't nearly as immense as the rest of the menu, Ibiza offers everything from a gluten free chocolate souffle to flan to a fruit tartlet.
My guest decided on the creme brulee and I ordered the gluten free chocolate souffle with the understanding that I would never know that it was gluten free.
The creme brulee was exactly as creme brulee should be: creamy and rich with a coating of crunchy caramelized sugar on top. It was good.
The show stopper was the chocolate souffle with a thick raspberry sauce (I asked to have it on the side because I'm one of the few people in this world that doesn't love chocolate and raspberry together) and generous dollops of whipped cream. I died. And came back to life and died again. The souffle was decadent and rich and head dizzying glorious. I felt like I could taste color. I was so happy that I had ordered the espresso because it went so well with the chocolate souffle. And our waitress was right; had I not been told that it was gluten free I would have had no idea.
Ibiza was an experience. The wait staff was attentive, the manager mingled with the guests, the valets actually moved our cars to right outside of the restaurant when it became clear that we were closing down the restaurant and hand delivered our keys. The prices were to be expected for the quality of food and level of service that was provided (our bill came out to just over $100 for the two of us - each having two drinks with dinner).
To say that I would go back is an understatement. I mean, I'm not going to make it a weekly routine, but it will definitely be put on the list of places to go!
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva.
Are you following me on twitter????? If not, shame on you. I'm delightful, DAMMIT!! @kunemployeddiva
MEME BREAK!!
Right? Anyone not from Pittsburgh is probably squinting their eyes, shaking their head, and wondering if I ever passed 3rd grade grammar... I did. And Mrs. Marflak can prove it. Semicolons still vex me though. And sometimes commas. The way I talk in my head leads me want to put them EVERYWHERE. COMMA. But we have gotten slightly off topic.
Ibiza. Yes!
I definitely wouldn't consider myself a foodie, but I didn't get my voluptuous figure by loving carrot sticks and having a strong affinity for running away from or to nothing. There is nothing more satisfying than a great night out with fun people at a cool place that doesn't just serve your typical I-could-technically-make-this-myself-at-home-if-I-ever-went-grocery-shopping fare. Going out to eat is, for me, all about the experience, and at Ibiza last night I had one.
Walking into the little South Side restaurant, I was immediately put in the mood by the decor and styling. It's a really cool mix of textured Spanish style textured plaster walls, dim lighting from fixtures that look more like art pieces than lights, and industrial elements of glass, concrete, wood, and metal. Think old world Spain goes factory.
I noticed my guest had already arrived and was seated at a stained and polished cement table drinking from a globe sized wine glass that was filled with a burgundy pink liquid and tons of fruit. May I introduce you to Ibiza's Sangria. I wish I could tell you that I did my due diligence and scoured the drink menu, but I didn't. I didn't even look at it. One look at my guest's drink and I knew I just had to have one. Or two. And if I didn't need to drive home later I would have had three. Or four.
After pleasantries were exchanged a hush came over the table; not because we didn't have loads to talk about, but because we sat in awe of the menu. Page after page we saw interesting options and delightfully inspired pairings. The conversation then became did we want cold tapas? Warm tapas? Entrees? We finally settled on three warm tapas:
1. Veal Stuffed Banana Peppers resting in a light, thin tomato based sauce.
2. Artichoke Fritters
3. Bacon Wrapped Scallops
My only regret is that we couldn't just order half of the menu. My eyes are forever larger than my stomach. #fatgirlproblems
We asked our waitress to stagger the dishes so that we had time to enjoy each dish while it was still hot and fresh and she timed the meal perfectly. As we were savoring the last morsels of each selection, she would bring out our new favorite.
The Veal Stuffed Banana Peppers made their debut first. To be honest, I'm not really a big veal eater. Baby cows and all of that, but those thoughts went out the door as the morsels played with my palate. The subtle bite of the banana pepper and the acidity of the thin tomato sauce really complimented the rich meaty texture of the veal. We ended up using the thick crusty bread previously delivered with our drinks to soak up all of the remaining sauce so we wouldn't waste a single drop of it. My only negative about this dish is that it was a touch underseasoned and needed to be salted at the table. #Firstworldproblems
Next came the Artichoke Fritters. Four egg shaped fritters sat on a bed of mixed greens and what I believe was an aged balsamic reduction. Artichoke hearts can be tricky. If prepared the wrong way they turn into little greasy flaps with a spongy and unpleasant texture. Not these guys. As we delved into the fritters we couldn't help but exclaim, "mmmmm!!!" and "oh my goodness!". Each bite was an exquisitely balanced orchestra of artichoke heart, garlic, crunchy fried batter, and sweet, tangy balsamic. Scrumptious.
Last of the tapas were the Bacon Wrapped Scallops. Three fist sized scallops came out beautifully wrapped with thick, crispy pieces of bacon on top of another balsamic reduction. On the side of the platter we noticed a small dish filled with a beige puree. Not going to lie, was a little worried. It could of been pureed horseradish and baby dreams for all I knew. It wasn't. It was fruity and savory and had just a hint of a kick. And we couldn't place the flavors anywhere. Perplexing. We soon learned from our attentive waitress that what was dancing on our tongues was grape puree. Grape. So very interesting. The scallops were cooked to perfection and the bacon was in that glorious state of being crispy along the edges, but still soft and juicy. Bacon wrapped scallops are nothing new to the food world, but being executed so well and served with the grape puree made them seem new and fresh.
We rounded our meal off with a cup of coffee for my guest and espresso for me as we contemplated whether or not to indulge in dessert. Of course we did! And while the dessert selection isn't nearly as immense as the rest of the menu, Ibiza offers everything from a gluten free chocolate souffle to flan to a fruit tartlet.
My guest decided on the creme brulee and I ordered the gluten free chocolate souffle with the understanding that I would never know that it was gluten free.
The creme brulee was exactly as creme brulee should be: creamy and rich with a coating of crunchy caramelized sugar on top. It was good.
The show stopper was the chocolate souffle with a thick raspberry sauce (I asked to have it on the side because I'm one of the few people in this world that doesn't love chocolate and raspberry together) and generous dollops of whipped cream. I died. And came back to life and died again. The souffle was decadent and rich and head dizzying glorious. I felt like I could taste color. I was so happy that I had ordered the espresso because it went so well with the chocolate souffle. And our waitress was right; had I not been told that it was gluten free I would have had no idea.
Ibiza was an experience. The wait staff was attentive, the manager mingled with the guests, the valets actually moved our cars to right outside of the restaurant when it became clear that we were closing down the restaurant and hand delivered our keys. The prices were to be expected for the quality of food and level of service that was provided (our bill came out to just over $100 for the two of us - each having two drinks with dinner).
To say that I would go back is an understatement. I mean, I'm not going to make it a weekly routine, but it will definitely be put on the list of places to go!
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva.
Are you following me on twitter????? If not, shame on you. I'm delightful, DAMMIT!! @kunemployeddiva
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
10 Things Single Women Don't Want to Hear.
I'm single and ready to mingle! Actually, scratch that. I'm not ready to mingle. Contrary to popular belief not every single woman is sitting in the shadows with her man trap laid just waiting to ensnare a male specimen so she can drag him down the aisle and force him to make many, many babies with her. Shock! and Awe! and Gasp! and all of that other crap that basically means Holy Shit Balls!
The truth is that right now, I'm working on me. And that's freaking ok. Super ok, even. Fantastically wonderful! The problem is that to every single married/engaged/in a serious relationship person - I am considered broken. WTF?!? And I'm tired of hearing some of the go to phrases that 'in a relationship' people keep saying to me.
For example:
1. Don't you worry! Prince Charming is out there!!!
Um. Ok? Thanks? I'll just stop everything to get out my man hunting binoculars and not sleep until I find him. Now where did I put my man net??? Hmmm... I know the people that say this phrase to me are trying to be helpful and hopeful that I find a man that I can eventually settle down with, but let's get one thing straight: It's ok if he's not out there too. Like really. I'm having a lot of fun right now and am ok with the concept of living unattached at the moment. Sorry, Mom. :)
2. Aw! Sweetie! Don't you want to hurry up and find a man so you can still have children??? You did turn 30 this year...
What I really want to say to these people is: fuck off, but what I end up saying sounds more like me gulping down a glass of wine. Sigh. Why is it ok to ask someone about their reproductive choices?!? Hey, Married Person! Don't you regret having your second child? I mean, the first and third turned out ok, but that second one is a little weird.
3. Have you tried online dating? My boss's friend's cousin found the man of her dreams on ::PICK ANY ONE OF THE DAMN DATING WEBSITES::
Yes, I have. And all I have to say to that is, from now on I'm sticking to meeting men in person. I think that dating websites should cut the bullshit and stop asking what people's hobbies are (everyone says music, movies, going out with friends, and working out anyway. OOOOO. Original.), and ask instead: Do you have a car? A 401k? Pay your bills on time? Volunteer? Live on your own? Own underwear that you would not be ashamed of me seeing? Will you try to murder me in my sleep? Have you ever had a brain injury? Is your ex-wife bat shit crazy? Does your wife know you made this profile?
4. Don't you ever get lonely?
Yes. Sometimes I get lonely, and you know what I do when that happens?? I call a friend up and go to dinner or drinks or invite people over, dumbass. Man + Woman doesn't necessarily equal a cure for loneliness. I hate to break it to you, but I know a ton of couples that try to escape from their other half because they are bored or lonely in their relationship.
5. Aren't you afraid that all of the 'good' ones are taken???
Nope. And you know why? Because some girl's garbage is another one's treasure.
6. Men are just intimidated by your intelligence/confidence.
Really, did you just say that to me? Contrary to the way men are portrayed in women's magazines, men are not bumbling bafoons who are trying to keep women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. In fact, I think most men prefer intelligent and confident women instead of drooling, vapid idiots with big boobs and no substance. At least that's what I'm hoping. The day I have to become a Barbie Girl, is the day I'm screwed. Metaphorically.
7. You should make yourself more open to meeting someone.
Like, with an 'Open All Day' sign? Should I post my hours of operation, too? Should I just start making weird, creepy eye contact with men all day? How does one make herself more open without bending over and showing labia???
8. Whatever happened to :: INSERT EX'S NAME HERE ::?? I thought you two were always so good together.
I murdered him and hid him in the basement. Um. What do you think?? Of course he has a new girl friend or wife or baby or promotion at work or hot car or won the lottery. Of course. But I'm so happy for him because I don't want to come across as a heartless cold bitch. Duh.
9. I'm getting married!!! To my best friend in the whole wide world!!! Do you think you can find a plus one in time for the wedding?
Nope. I plan on using your wedding as a new dating pool. I'm going to dress like the biggest slut in the world and ask for the names of the groomsman in advance so I can start facebook and twitter stalking them early. But if you want to tell the caterer to have my own bottle of wine waiting for me at my place setting and to swing by with a second piece of cake, that would be ok too.
10. Hey! Since you are unattached do you mind watching my kids, picking this random thing up, doing this incredibly annoying task? You have no man or children which means your schedule is just gaping open, right?
I do, actually. So go get bent. Just because you are attached and have decided to procreate doesn't mean that I'm at your beck and call. I have stuff too, you know. Like watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Marathon. Respect my choices!
So people, the next time you have the urge to say something like anything from above to one of your single friends, just stop it. Fucking calm your roll and just chill because it's not easy being single in this crazy day and age. One day I'll share some of my dating stories and then you'll weep for me. Really.
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva
The truth is that right now, I'm working on me. And that's freaking ok. Super ok, even. Fantastically wonderful! The problem is that to every single married/engaged/in a serious relationship person - I am considered broken. WTF?!? And I'm tired of hearing some of the go to phrases that 'in a relationship' people keep saying to me.
For example:
1. Don't you worry! Prince Charming is out there!!!
Um. Ok? Thanks? I'll just stop everything to get out my man hunting binoculars and not sleep until I find him. Now where did I put my man net??? Hmmm... I know the people that say this phrase to me are trying to be helpful and hopeful that I find a man that I can eventually settle down with, but let's get one thing straight: It's ok if he's not out there too. Like really. I'm having a lot of fun right now and am ok with the concept of living unattached at the moment. Sorry, Mom. :)
2. Aw! Sweetie! Don't you want to hurry up and find a man so you can still have children??? You did turn 30 this year...
What I really want to say to these people is: fuck off, but what I end up saying sounds more like me gulping down a glass of wine. Sigh. Why is it ok to ask someone about their reproductive choices?!? Hey, Married Person! Don't you regret having your second child? I mean, the first and third turned out ok, but that second one is a little weird.
3. Have you tried online dating? My boss's friend's cousin found the man of her dreams on ::PICK ANY ONE OF THE DAMN DATING WEBSITES::
Yes, I have. And all I have to say to that is, from now on I'm sticking to meeting men in person. I think that dating websites should cut the bullshit and stop asking what people's hobbies are (everyone says music, movies, going out with friends, and working out anyway. OOOOO. Original.), and ask instead: Do you have a car? A 401k? Pay your bills on time? Volunteer? Live on your own? Own underwear that you would not be ashamed of me seeing? Will you try to murder me in my sleep? Have you ever had a brain injury? Is your ex-wife bat shit crazy? Does your wife know you made this profile?
4. Don't you ever get lonely?
Yes. Sometimes I get lonely, and you know what I do when that happens?? I call a friend up and go to dinner or drinks or invite people over, dumbass. Man + Woman doesn't necessarily equal a cure for loneliness. I hate to break it to you, but I know a ton of couples that try to escape from their other half because they are bored or lonely in their relationship.
5. Aren't you afraid that all of the 'good' ones are taken???
Nope. And you know why? Because some girl's garbage is another one's treasure.
6. Men are just intimidated by your intelligence/confidence.
Really, did you just say that to me? Contrary to the way men are portrayed in women's magazines, men are not bumbling bafoons who are trying to keep women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. In fact, I think most men prefer intelligent and confident women instead of drooling, vapid idiots with big boobs and no substance. At least that's what I'm hoping. The day I have to become a Barbie Girl, is the day I'm screwed. Metaphorically.
7. You should make yourself more open to meeting someone.
Like, with an 'Open All Day' sign? Should I post my hours of operation, too? Should I just start making weird, creepy eye contact with men all day? How does one make herself more open without bending over and showing labia???
8. Whatever happened to :: INSERT EX'S NAME HERE ::?? I thought you two were always so good together.
I murdered him and hid him in the basement. Um. What do you think?? Of course he has a new girl friend or wife or baby or promotion at work or hot car or won the lottery. Of course. But I'm so happy for him because I don't want to come across as a heartless cold bitch. Duh.
9. I'm getting married!!! To my best friend in the whole wide world!!! Do you think you can find a plus one in time for the wedding?
Nope. I plan on using your wedding as a new dating pool. I'm going to dress like the biggest slut in the world and ask for the names of the groomsman in advance so I can start facebook and twitter stalking them early. But if you want to tell the caterer to have my own bottle of wine waiting for me at my place setting and to swing by with a second piece of cake, that would be ok too.
10. Hey! Since you are unattached do you mind watching my kids, picking this random thing up, doing this incredibly annoying task? You have no man or children which means your schedule is just gaping open, right?
I do, actually. So go get bent. Just because you are attached and have decided to procreate doesn't mean that I'm at your beck and call. I have stuff too, you know. Like watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Marathon. Respect my choices!
So people, the next time you have the urge to say something like anything from above to one of your single friends, just stop it. Fucking calm your roll and just chill because it's not easy being single in this crazy day and age. One day I'll share some of my dating stories and then you'll weep for me. Really.
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva
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