5 Ways to Survive Thanksgiving: while keeping your sanity and looking cool.

With Thanksgiving only a few days away, I thought it would be a good idea to address some ways to maximize the fun and minimize the stress of all of the Thanksgiving hub bub. Also, I created a great reference tool! Who doesn't love a good reference tool?!?


1. Dress super cool and chic. Thanksgiving is a time when you finally get to interact with all of those extended (and sometimes rotten) limbs of the family tree - so why not let them know that you are super cool, successful, and happy by wearing ultra rad clothing, having a perfectly quaffed hairstyle, and wearing a $500 pair of shoes. And don't forget! Nothing says I'm better than you by constantly talking about how much you paid for every possession you have.

2. Food is a big part of this holiday and it only makes sense to constantly chat about it throughout the evening.

Some examples include: 

Wow! Look at all of the food!

How will we eat all of this food?

 I'm so stuffed from all of the food that I just shoveled into my face!

 Can you pass me more food?

This food is so delicious! Who made each and every food item on the table?

Grandma, how do you like your food?

I love food.

3. Because it is frowned upon to leave children at home by themselves, the house you are visiting for Thanksgiving dinner is likely to be packed with 30 screaming/running/excited/destructive/jumping/melancholy/angsty/electronics and sleep deprived children aging from newborn to 18 years old. Now, you might have the privilege and honor of calling some of these children your own - if so - pour yourself a glass of wine and just relish in the joy of  adult interaction. I mean, for those few hours you and your spouse are on vacation! Who cares if your kids are biting the legs off of the table and reenacting Lord of the Flies? Someone else, who is most definitely not you, will take care of it. After all - it's not your house. Kudos to you for adopting that 'it takes a village' mentality!

4. Thanksgiving is more than just a day off of work. It is also a time to relax and watch some football. After dinner, who has time to help clean up? Seeing which team is beating that other team is super important and relevant. Before dinner is over, politely excuse yourself - leaving all china and utensils behind - and find the nearest tv. This will ensure that you get a primo nesting spot and won't be distracted by any of those dish scraping or dish washer noises. Others will applaud your logical way of thinking and be envious that you thought of this idea first!

5. When it's time to finally wrangle all of your heathens children and go home - it is crucial to grab your coat and run. Who has time for long, drawn out good byes and putting the furniture back together? I'm sure the host and hostess will be so bored in the coming days that they will relish in playing a game of hide and go seek a la remote control and will think it a blessing to carry the 12 folding chairs back down to the basement. Such a great workout! Be prepared to get a Thank You note for enabling these opportunities! Oh! And before you go, don't forget to demand heaping amounts of left overs so that way you can continue to enjoy all of the great food that you didn't have to cook in the coming days. Bonus!

Anyway, I hope these 5 tips help create a memorable and festive Thanksgiving experience for you and your loved ones!

And just in case, you need some help with navigating all of the ins and outs of this holiday, I have created a chart to help. Feel free to print it out, get it laminated/framed, and to share it with others. 

Yeah, Yeah. I know it's huge. Get over it. I wanted to make sure you could read it. You're welcome.

Hope everyone has a happy and safe Thanksgiving. Remember kids, don't give your crazy relatives and sharp objects or alcohol!

Forever Yours,

The Unemployed Diva.


Stalk me. Or don't. It's up to you.

Twitter: @kunemployeddiva
Google +: Katlyn The Unemployed Diva
Email: katlyn.the.unemployed.diva@gmail.com
You Tube: Katlyn The Unemployed Diva

Miley,Justin Bieber, Kanye West, and Madonna.

I miss the days of the old rock bands or just real musicians in general - when a group of guys/girls came out on stage dressed in leather (REAL LEATHER), stoned/high/drunk out of their minds, covered from the waist down in a raging case of STD (undoubtedly gifted by the hoards of groupies they proudly bedded) and just played and sang their hearts out. They were just cool. Absofuckinglutely cool. Now, I'm not saying that I have seen every awesomely rocking band out there live. 1. I'm too young to have seen some of the coolest bands in their hay day with original band members, and 2. I was a late bloomer when it came to music. I listened primarily to sound tracks until I was at least half way through high school. What can I say? My parents aren't in to music. I blame them.

But here's the deal - through the interwebs, I have heard Janis Joplin and Hendrix play live at Woodstock. I have seen Aerosmith, Twisted Sister, and Kiss rock out - all wearing more makeup than what seems humanly possible. I have gotten deep with Nirvana and felt like a badass ass with the Beastie Boys. I jammed with the Foo Fighters, all the while having a major lady boner for Dave Grohl. I chased Waterfalls with TLC and I asked Biggie (Biggie Biggie) can't you see? I became divalicious with Mariah, Bette, Aretha, Madonna, P!nk, and Cher and felt all of the lady angst with Alanis, Sheryl Crow, and Paula Cole. I said fuck 'the man' with the Ramones and Social Distortion and had a little ironic fun with Weezer.

Yeah - there a ton more legit musicians and rock stars, but you get my drift. So what's my point? My point is: that today's musicians are shit. Yup. There it is. I said it. Why is everything driven by 13 year old girls and reality shows??? Why are musicians allowed to lip sync to their own tracks (I'm looking at you, Britney) and why do we, as consumers, support this??? Shows are planned down to the second and no matter what show you go to, it looks the same in every city. Artists are now like the McDonald's of music. Do you want a fucking coke with that?

At what point did the music become more about fitting in to a demographic and less about the actual people making the music, the skills that they have, and hearing their unique voice? What is wrong with an artist standing up on a stage and just rocking out and singing??? Do they think if they skip around the stage, have pyrotechnics and crazy amounts of back up dancers that we won't notice what shit they are?? You know who doesn't notice? Teenage girls that are all hopped up on their hormones and just want to hump the ever living shit out of their favorite boy bander. 

What makes all of the music fun that I listed in the second paragraph above, is the fact that each one of those artists/musicians could stand in a fire hall with just a guitar and make the crowd go crazy. Try to do that with Britney, bitches. Or One Direction. Or Madonna these days. Or Kanye West. Or any of the other pop princes and princesses. I guarantee you, they couldn't/wouldn't be able to do a show that relied completely on musical talent because they simply don't have any. They are pretty, outspoken, controversial people to watch - but that is as deep as it goes.

I think my nappy needs changed Mommy. Waaaa!

 So to Justin, I say: Pull up your damn pants. You are not invincible. You are a white boy that has a Bible thumping mother that probably cries herself to sleep every night worrying about your soul. Have a little respect. Will Smith is disappointed in you.

Panting vs. Getting into your pants.

To Miley: Girl - you have talent. You can actually sing and are innovative. Lay off the drugs and sticking your tongue out. Gene Simmons is the only person allowed to do that because... well... as a lady with lady parts, I'm sure you can imagine why. You, on the other hand, look like a panting dog that is desperately in need of a bowl of water. Leave the teddy bears alone. They're one step away from creepy Chucky dolls.

I'd hate to be the one in charge of shaking the motorcycle.

To Kanye: Everyone thinks you are an asshole personally and professionally (ask Taylor Swift). I mean, you paired up with the most narcissistic family ever and call yourself Yeezus... um... no, you are not the Lord Jesus Christ. These are not the logical decisions of someone thinking clearly.  Mental illness is no joking matter and I hope you check in to Promises Malibu sooner rather than later. I'm sure they'll accommodate your requests to: 1. Refer to yourself in the 3rd person, 2. Allow you to gold plate all of the furniture, 3. Cover your entire room with mirrors so you won't have to go one second without looking at yourself.

 And lastly, to Madonna: It's ok to age. Yeah, no one really likes to think that they might not be hip or cool anymore, but the truth hurts. We all are very jealous of your rocking body, considering you are in better shape now than when you were rolling around on stage in a wedding dress at the VMA's those so many moons ago. Own it, girl. You are a millionaire. You gave hope to millions of small town girls that they could pull themselves up by their boot straps and lace gloves and change the world. Isn't that enough? No one needs to see you break a hip or lip sync. It's like finding out Santa doesn't exist. It hurts our feelings.









Anyway - that's all I have for now. By the way - you can thank Kanye West and his new dumbass video, Bound 2 for inspiring this rant. If I wanted to see a topless Kim Kardashian bounce up and down while riding a black man on a motorcycle, I would go online and watch her get it on with Ray J. Classy.

Ok.

Deep Breaths.

Glad I got that off my chest.

Forever Yours,

The Unemployed Diva

Catch me on twitter @kunemployeddiva
On Youtube as Katlyn The Unemployed Diva
On Gmail katlyntheunemployeddiva@gmail.com

Guys, have I been kidding myself?

Recently, I started a diet bet. I joined a web site, put 25 bucks on the line, and promised that I would lose 4% of my weight in 28 days. Who needs the appropriate motivation of being healthier, feeling better, and having more energy when I can make some dough off of this endeavor? Take a walk to enjoy the sounds of nature and to get a little fresh air? Pfft. Pass. Take a walk to ensure that I get to split the pot with the other 4% loser winners? Yup. Lacing up my sneaks right now. And ZOOM we go!

So with all of this exciting physical activity I have got myself a raging blister from the aforementioned sneaks. DAMN YOU NEW BALANCE OR WHATEVER OFF BRAND SNEAKER I COULD AFFORD FOUR YEARS AGO! BOO. Honestly, I think it was the perfect storm of blister creation and not the sneaker because: 1. I've never gotten a blister before from this pair. (read: New balance, if you want to be friends and sponsor me, I won't say no. I'm like a sure thing.) 2. It has been a hot minute since I've worn backed shoes (let's hear it for FLIP FLOPS!). 3. My sock slid down while I was walking at a jaunty pace on the treadmill hamster wheel for humans thus creating direct shoe on skin contact. 4. I tied my laces extra super tight because I have an abnormal fear of spraining my ankle and being one of those people that falls off of the treadmill and goes shooting backwards into the row of elliptical machines resulting in my losing an arm, eye, or boob. And I need all of those. I'm quite literally attached to all of my parts - see what I did there?? I'm attached. Get it? Moving on...

See, I told you. Perfect blistery storm.

I set off on a walk the next day in the great outdoors thinking, "these thick, fluffy socks are going to protect my ankle blister and will not result in anymore pain." And off I went with my sidekick, Bella. I possibly even tra la la la'd a few times in between gasping for air. I was about half way through my walk when the blister came to life and started sounding every alarm it knew how. If it had access to an air horn, my neighbors would have come out of their homes (in their bare feet nonetheless while pretending to shiver) to see what craziness was disturbing the peace. I started hobbling the .8 miles home, dragging my leg behind me. Every. Step. Was. Torture. I could feel my sock get sticky from what I can only assume was me bleeding out from some randomly placed artery (ok. ok. maybe not. I'm not a doctor. geez. gawd. way to get all literal.). I cursed myself for not teaching Bella how to mush like an Alaskan Husky and pull me to safety. I contemplated taking off my shoes and walking home in just socks, but reconsidered when I realized I was afraid of becoming one of THOSE people. So I did what any human has to do in a situation like this, I muscled through it. Painfully.

Step. 

By. 

Step. 

ooooo baby! gonna get to you girrrrrrl! Don't lie. Your mind went there.

This whole situation has got me thinking. You know how certain situations arise and you say to yourself, "I could run if I was being chased!" or "He only got grazed by a bullet! He could have gotten up and ran down the bad guy. (obviously I'm watching NCIS... DUH)" or "I could have totally taken that guy." or "I would be able to defend myself all stranger danger style if someone ever tried to mug or murder me."

Well I have something to say to that.

 Nope.

NOPE.

NOPE.

You are a liar, liar pants on fire.

Eek.

Is it getting hot in here?

You big liar face.

We all have been watching way too many Iron Man, Transformer, Captain America, Thor, Batman, Green Lantern (um. ok. so I watched Green Lantern and actually liked it. critics be damned. so sue me. don't do that. I'm poor.) movies and need to calm the F down.

WE, my dear friends, are NOT superheroes. Even a little bit. I mean, sure, there are men and women out there who have trained and trained to be able to tolerate a significant amount of pain (I'm looking at you Marines, Seals, Army, Navy, Green Berets) but they are the exception -NOT THE RULE.

So the lesson for today is this: Blisters suck. I'm a little dramatic. Yum! Men in uniform! I might have to hire a body guard since I just put on the internet that I'm a big pus pus. Money on the line is the only way to get me to exercise.

Forever Yours,

The Unemployed Diva.

P.S. Finally joined twitter. Follow me @kunemployeddiva it'll make my heart sing.

 

EAT ME!!!!!

With Halloween a distant candy coated memory, we are now in what I like to call "eating season." In the next 2 months no matter where you go or what you do, a plate of some delicious (and let's be honest, not always so delicious) food is going to be all doilied up, thrown on a tray and passed in front of you. People are going to come out of the woodwork carrying trays of spinach puffs and Aunt Mimi's artichoke dip and cheese. OH! THE CHEESE!

Never has mold tasted so good!

 Remember the scene in Beauty and the Beast when Belle finally sits down for dinner, and the household gets a little thirsty because it's been awhile since they saw someone other than that hairy, sulking animal? (On a completely unrelated note: If some over indulged prince caused you to get turned into a candelabra, wouldn't your first order of business be to burn that mother fucker down??? The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn. Just saying.)

Want a little snack? Teamwork!! Let's throw Belle a 12 course meal!!

Yeah. "Eating season" reminds me of that. And if you get me to drink enough rum, I swear the plates and forks will start singing and dancing. Even if I have to put on the show myself. Don't judge me.



So how do we get through this never ending smorgasbord without gaining 50 pounds and hating ourselves by the time Santa squeezes his cookie eating ass down the chimney? I think this year for Christmas I'm going to ask Santa to screw the itunes gift certificates and throw a little of whatever allows him to squeeze into tight places my way. I mean, seriously. He's just being greedy. People have doors. Use them, Santa! A little of that magic would help me fit into my high school jeans. Now which is the bigger Christmas miracle???? Me fitting into my high school jeans or Santa choosing not to use a normal method of egress???

Anyway - back to the point. Here are some ways to just say no to the appetizers, 4 course meals, and dessert trays. Ready? Ok!

1. Remember when you were a kid and played the lava game???? THE FLOOR IS LAVA!!!!!!! And would go bouncing around on the couch cushions and coffee table? Grown up application: THE APPETIZER TRAYS ARE LAVA!!!!!!!!! Just don't go bouncing around. People will think you have lost your damn mind.

Appreciate this graphic. It took forever to make. LOOK AT IT!!!

2. Experts will tell you to eat a healthy snack BEFORE going to a party, but seriously? I could have just eaten and yet, when those delicious little bastards come rolling around, I'm ravenous. So, I have learned to hone in on a super power, WILLPOWER WOMAN!

In brightest day, in blackest night,

no tasting shall escape my sight!

Let those who worship tasting's might,

beware my power, Willpower Woman's light!

Bonus Points to you if you got the Green Lantern reference.

3. Last, but not least, play Passing Tray Tag (PTT for short). The rules of the game are: If you see a tray coming towards you, run in the opposite direction, leaving any guest or conversation in the dust. Who cares about social convention when your waistline is literally on the line?

Ah. Who are we kidding? As much as we try to be good little healthy eaters during the holiday parties and never ending get togethers, at the end of the day I'm pretty sure we're all going to look like this:

Can you unhinge my jaw?

Don't worry, January 1st is right around the corner, and you know what that means? 

For 2 weeks we are going to use the shit out of our shiny new gym membership. :)

Forever Yours,

The Unemployed Diva.

How To: Throw a Successful Dinner Party

Now that Halloween is over, it seems that there are some people in this world that are so gung ho to get Christmas started, that they are going from spooky ghouls and pumpkins to evergreens and mistletoe in 3 seconds flat.. Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas and all of the synthetic Christmas scents that the geniuses at Yankee Candle have magically contained in a jar, but what about Thanksgiving? What about wicker cornucopias and pumpkin pie?? Oh yeah, and family...

Around this time of year everyone goes in to hyper-drive when it comes to entertaining. Soon, cookie parties, gift exchanges, and open houses are going to be filling up what precious spare time we have left, and I thought it would be a good idea to address how to not only entertain a house full of people, but to do it as stress free and easy as possible.

We've all be over to a friend's home and the party, for whatever reason, was a flop. I don't want that to happen to you. Also, I don't want you to pull your hair out and go nuts. Entertaining should be about enjoying yourself and spending time with people that you genuinely care about - not about being one heartbeat away from going batshit crazy and throwing tables.

How to Throw a Successful Get Together

Step 1. Select a Venue.

This is crucial because everything else is going to stem from this. (I'm assuming that you already have a reason to have the get together - but if you don't, you have to figure out why everyone is coming together first. Wine tasting? Birthday? Gift Exchange? Karaoke Night?)

Step 2. Guest List. 

How many people can comfortably fit in this space? 10? 20? 30? 100? Do you have enough seats if everyone wants to sit down? If having a game night, can you feasibly sit everyone around the table?

Step 3. Menu. 

I would say out of all of the steps that this is the hardest. Look, we all want to be Bobby Flay and/or Martha. We want to amaze and wow with the food. No one wants guests to walk away from a party saying: 1. I'm hungry. 2. That food sucked. 3. I couldn't eat anything because of my dietary restriction.  To be a gracious hostess or host, you have to have your guest list in mind when preparing the menu. It's great that you love spicy food, but your Nana might not. Same goes for Ribs on the barbecue. Any vegans in the crowd would be super bummed to be stuck eating side dishes only. If you don't keep your guests' preferences in mind, then they won't feel welcome and at ease.

If you are the chef for this event - stick to tried and true recipes. You don't want to be 45 minutes in to cooking and realize the new recipe that you are trying is a bust and you no longer have a tasty main dish. Also, try to stick with recipes that cook themselves. What I mean is, whip something together and throw it in the oven. No constant stirring, flipping or things that need to be made in tiny batches. You will spend all evening in the kitchen and have no fun. Boo. Don't do that.

Last thing about menu, I promise. When I have people over I always have a variety of appetizers on hand. Pita chips, hummus, fresh veggies, brie with crusty bread, etc and then have one or two hot appetizers. No matter what the theme of the party or why everyone is together, these items never fail and almost everyone can find something to munch on.

Step 4. Prepare! Prepare! Prepare!

By nature I am a procrastinator and hate doing things until they are absolutely necessary, but you will thank me and want to send me many gift baskets for this one little tip. 

DO AS MUCH AS YOU CAN AHEAD OF TIME. 

I AM NOT KIDDING. 

PREPARE.
PREPARE! PREPARE! PREPARE!

Buy all of the ingredients necessary at least the day before. Get out and wash all serving trays/utensils (let's be honest - the blow method to remove the dust is NOT sufficient.). Anything that can be done ahead of time, do it. Having a dinner party? Set the table. Having a game night? Get out the games, paper, pencils, and prizes. Set up drink stations, appetizer spots, and buffet areas. If altering decor, get extra chairs out, put up decorations, and get balloons a day in advance (Pro tip: if you tell the person filling the balloons with helium that this is for the next day, they will overfill them a little bit so they are still looking fab for the party and bag them up so you don't have 20 rogue balloons). Stock the bathroom with extra toilet paper and make sure the hand soap is full. The last thing you want to be doing in the middle of game night is having a guest come up to you in front of everyone and say, "Hey. Um. You're out of toilet paper." EMBARRASSING for both you and the guest. If you go into the day of the event with only really having to throw some food in the oven and get yourself looking pretty, then when you hear the first DING DONG of the doorbell, you won't be covered in flour, running around, trying to entertain while not burning the house down, and will be able to actually enjoy yourself.

Step 5. Delegate.

It is never a bad thing to ask for help. Is your friend a whiz with desserts? Good. Have that person in charge of desserts. Someone offers to bring the wine? Super. Let them know what you are making and what type of wine you prefer, but are open to their suggestions too. Once guests start arriving, people offer to help plate and carry the food out? Awesome. It'll save your back. One thing that I never really delegate with is clean up. Most of the time I clean as I cook, so by the time the evening is over, there are really only some things that need to be put in the dishwasher, left overs put in the fridge, and the linens washed. In my opinion, if I invite people over, it isn't ok to let them clean up. They are guests. 

Step 6. HAVE A BLAST!

No matter what the circumstances or crazy curves that are thrown your way, have fun. Having a karaoke night and your gaming system won't load? Free style. People are sitting on the couch like bumps on a log? Turn up the music and start a dance party. No one talking? Put conversation starters in a bowl and go around the room. You can't go wrong if you have good food, good people, and a go with the flow attitude. 

There are a 100 other things that I could have thrown in here like come up with a cocktail of the evening or make sure no one on the guest list has beef with another person on the guest list, but I'll save those for another day. Who knows. I might tell you about the time that I made Budapest Pork and almost gave food poisoning to some loved ones. But alas, I'm not writing a book here. Maybe I'll do a part 2 at some point.

Forever Yours,

The Unemployed Diva.

Follow me on youtube: 

 

http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCea9uEbc21O2ih2LkE0xtQw