I remember, as a child, reading the book, 'Arthur's Valentine', and I loved it. It had drama (a secret admirer!), suspense (who was it!!), and a perfectly lovely Happy Ending (aw! it was true love in the end!!!).
I miss the Valentine's Days of yester year. Everyone decorating their special 'mailbox' with paper doilies and pink, red, and white construction paper hearts in hopes that you would be justly rewarded with the most "BEE My Valentine" Valentine's cards from all of your classmates. Everyone would walk around dropping special little notes of praise and friendship togetherness in all of their friends' mailboxes and would pace nervously, gathering up courage to drop that ONE. SPECIAL. VALENTINE. into their crush's mailbox - hoping that he, too, would be smitten by you and thus starting your own Happily Ever After together. Forever. Or until a cooler, more awesome boy came along toting the better lunch box treat, pencils, crayons, or hair.
As a grown-up, I have a love-hate relationship with The Valentine's Day. Some years, I love it. I get in my love bubble and stay there for weeks. I wear my Valentine's Day cupid socks, eat those horrible tasting conversation hearts that are oh-so-witty and know exactly how I feel, and prance around while handing out chocolates and other fabulous little treats to everyone I love. One year, I even made little heart goody bags for everyone I knew containing homemade chocolate covered oreos and pretzel rods. I even went the extra mile and piped beautiful white chocolate hearts on the oreos and drizzled pink, red, and white colored chocolate on the pretzel rods. Yeah - I'm that enthusiastic. Sometimes.
Other years, I have great animosity for The Valentine's Day. I resent all of the 'love is in the air' malarkey and go rogue when anyone brings up the merchandise saturated holiday that is celebrated only to sell chalk-like candies and over priced greeting cards. HARUMPH. I spend the actual day of love on my Down With Love band wagon and sneer at all who parade around proudly in their love bubbles. Cynical much? You bet!
This year, I'm conflicted about The Valentine's Day. On the one hand, I have a wonderful manfriend whom I do love and want to show him how much he means to me (shhhh don't tell him that I unwaveringly love him - I don't want his ego to get too big - gotta keep him working for it - if you know what I mean. *wink wink*). On the other hand, I don't to go all psycho girl and smother him with goodies, thus causing him to go into panic mode by putting too much pressure on him to please me on this beautiful day of love.
Rock. Check. Hard place. Check.
So what to do? What. To. Do. ???
I don't want to set myself up for disappointment by going all handmade chocolate covered oreo cookie on him, and have him toss some piece of candy at me that he probably bought the day of at a gnarly gas station (where Brittany Spears wouldn't even step barefoot into... Remember that???? Ew!).
So here's what I'm going to do. I am simply going to tell him that I love him (hopefully while not hyperventilating - that is a big step after all) and go old school on his unknowing ass - by handing him a box of conversation hearts and asking him simply to be my valentine. Then I'll give him the cute singing and dancing animal/monster thing that I got him (it sings Just a Friend... So funny) and the picture frame with a picture of us in it for his night stand. In return, I am going to try to expect nothing. That's right. Nothing. If I am not expecting anything, then I won't be disappointed when he doesn't meet my expectations. See! See?
And hopefully he won't hand me a piece of Gas Station Candy... if he knows what's good for him.
Happy Wednesday!
P.S. Have ya'll been watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?!?!?! The reunion show is on tomorrow and I cannot wait. It's like Christmas Day all over again. God, I'm so excited.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
The Employed Diva?!?!
Yes my Lovelies! You are now looking at a new and fabulously employed Diva! Yay! Thank you! Thank you! And while I would love to regale you with tales of the tedious interview process or any faux pas that I may or may not have committed (...like perhaps completely forgetting the names of the two people that interviewed me... or spilling hot tea on myself when gesturing with 1 billion degree tea to make a point in one of my statements....), I can't. Not because I don't want to. I do! Really. It's just that, today? Today, was a heavy day full of tears and fond memories and a shit ton of kleenex.
Today, I attended the funeral of a 9 year old boy. A boy who was a part of my previous job. A boy who always brought in sunshine with him when he entered any room. And it sucked. No. The service did not suck. The service was beautiful and was complete with candle, sand, and balloon ceremonies. It was a wonderful way to celebrate this young child's life and bring closure to his family, friends, and all who knew him. All who knew of his magic. Today sucked because it should be against the law of the universe for someone that young to have to leave us.
Working with children is all at once wonderful and tiring. It takes special patience to explain for the millionth time before lunch to use your walking feet, to not throw anything across the room, and to go wash your hands because NO! It is NOT OK for you to spread yucky germs and boogers all over the place. It is equally satisfying and soul filling when one of the children completely surprises you with a witty statement or a new found skill or just asks a question that makes your heart grow 3 sizes. After a trillion of these trying and fabulous moments, you feel like your souls connect and that you will be forever bonded with these children (even if they pretend when they're older that you're uncool and have no idea what you're talking about when you share with them about the time that they built the coolest block fort in the history of block forts or how you can still remember when they had trouble saying spaghetti and called everyone a 'him'.) So when a child that holds part of your soul passes away, it hurts tremendously, and makes the saying: "life isn't fair", seem painfully cruel and cliched without offering any kind of way to help repair the new wound.
It has been an honor to know this young man - to be allowed to learn from him and watch him grow. He has shown the adults around him what it was like to be courageous and unafraid in times of darkness and despair. I pray and hope that he has finally found peace, and is now watching down on us from Heaven.
Please take a moment today to cherish the ones you love, to make the choice to forgive instead of hold a grudge, and to put down whatever it is that may be distracting you from loving and paying attention to those whom you love with your whole heart. Life is, after all, made up of zillions of small, but significant moments.
Happy (in a bittersweet kind of way) Friday.
P.S. If you have a little time/money to spare, may I recommend donating to help cure cancer. There will come a day when we won't have to bury anyone else from that horrible disease... and I hope it comes sooner rather than later.
Today, I attended the funeral of a 9 year old boy. A boy who was a part of my previous job. A boy who always brought in sunshine with him when he entered any room. And it sucked. No. The service did not suck. The service was beautiful and was complete with candle, sand, and balloon ceremonies. It was a wonderful way to celebrate this young child's life and bring closure to his family, friends, and all who knew him. All who knew of his magic. Today sucked because it should be against the law of the universe for someone that young to have to leave us.
Working with children is all at once wonderful and tiring. It takes special patience to explain for the millionth time before lunch to use your walking feet, to not throw anything across the room, and to go wash your hands because NO! It is NOT OK for you to spread yucky germs and boogers all over the place. It is equally satisfying and soul filling when one of the children completely surprises you with a witty statement or a new found skill or just asks a question that makes your heart grow 3 sizes. After a trillion of these trying and fabulous moments, you feel like your souls connect and that you will be forever bonded with these children (even if they pretend when they're older that you're uncool and have no idea what you're talking about when you share with them about the time that they built the coolest block fort in the history of block forts or how you can still remember when they had trouble saying spaghetti and called everyone a 'him'.) So when a child that holds part of your soul passes away, it hurts tremendously, and makes the saying: "life isn't fair", seem painfully cruel and cliched without offering any kind of way to help repair the new wound.
It has been an honor to know this young man - to be allowed to learn from him and watch him grow. He has shown the adults around him what it was like to be courageous and unafraid in times of darkness and despair. I pray and hope that he has finally found peace, and is now watching down on us from Heaven.
Please take a moment today to cherish the ones you love, to make the choice to forgive instead of hold a grudge, and to put down whatever it is that may be distracting you from loving and paying attention to those whom you love with your whole heart. Life is, after all, made up of zillions of small, but significant moments.
Happy (in a bittersweet kind of way) Friday.
P.S. If you have a little time/money to spare, may I recommend donating to help cure cancer. There will come a day when we won't have to bury anyone else from that horrible disease... and I hope it comes sooner rather than later.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Bigger! Better! More Bang for Your Buck!
Dear Retailers,
I understand that you need to move your product, whether it be the Big Mac or Slim Fast. I get that you have paid to have a lot of research done to exploit the weaknesses of my mind to know how tempt me to buy your product... I get it. But can you please explain to me why everything in this goddamned country is low fat, fat free, lite!, light, sugar free, low sodium, all-natural, organic, 0 calories, low carbohydrates, and still delicious, yet here we are, as a country, in a full fledged obesity epidemic????
I'll tell you why! It's because of companies like you. Yes! You! You, who tell use it's ok to take a break with a snickers bar (at 250 calories a pop) or that we just can't have ONE chip or that I'm Lovin' It at the fast food chains. I swear you all pump a detrimental amount of calories, sodium, and fat into everyday products to make us fat only to have to other side of the spectrum offer every way from here to Thursday on how to get thin and healthy again. Seriously.
These conflicting messages are reeking havoc on our country. On our waistlines. On our psyches. To save America from ourselves, there should be a governmental cap on the products that companies are allowed to actively advertise. For example, any product that doesn't have what's considered a 'healthy' nutritional make up, cannot be paraded across the airwaves (much in the same way cigarette ads are banned from tv and radio). Yes. A lot of companies would be upset, but perhaps it would force a lot of you retailers to reconsider the products that you are producing. Is there really a need for pasta dishes that have over 1000 calories (PER SERVING!!!! I'm looking at you OLIVE GARDEN)? Or weight loss pills that cause anal leakage (SEXY!)? What if we all led healthy and active lifestyles without the need of special products and guilty pleasures (like a 510 calorie venti white chocolate mocha from Starbucks)?
I'm tired of us, as a majority, having rumps the size of Buicks and self-esteem the size of an all-natural pea. We have to make this crazy consumerism stop. We have to stop jumping off the cliff like lemmings when it comes to our health. We have to grow some common sense and see that McDonald's isn't a HEALTHY choice no matter what they preach or the toys they give out. That buying the gimmicky sneakers that are supposed to tone and tighten our ever expanding backsides are just one more way that retailers are trying to sell us as quick fixes. THERE ARE NO QUICK FIXES! IF YOU EAT TOO MUCH AND DO NOT MOVE AROUND ENOUGH, YOU WILL BECOME SO FAT THAT YOU CANNOT LEAVE YOUR BED AND WILL NEED A FORK LIFT TO REMOVE YOU FROM YOUR HOUSE. It's that simple.
In conclusion, retailers, I ask you to consider my approach. To reconsider the products that you are creating catchy jingles and flashy advertising for, and take an interest in me, as a consumer. In turn, I promise I won't hold it against you if you don't drench things in fat and sodium. I promise I won't cause a scene in the lobby of your restaurant if the only things on your menu are healthy choices with reasonable calorie counts. I promise if you create a genuinely great product that will benefit my health and well-being, I will purchase it - which will still enable you to make a profit (so that you can roll around in your money vault in full Scrooge McDuck fashion). If you build it. We will come.
The Unemployed Diva
I understand that you need to move your product, whether it be the Big Mac or Slim Fast. I get that you have paid to have a lot of research done to exploit the weaknesses of my mind to know how tempt me to buy your product... I get it. But can you please explain to me why everything in this goddamned country is low fat, fat free, lite!, light, sugar free, low sodium, all-natural, organic, 0 calories, low carbohydrates, and still delicious, yet here we are, as a country, in a full fledged obesity epidemic????
I'll tell you why! It's because of companies like you. Yes! You! You, who tell use it's ok to take a break with a snickers bar (at 250 calories a pop) or that we just can't have ONE chip or that I'm Lovin' It at the fast food chains. I swear you all pump a detrimental amount of calories, sodium, and fat into everyday products to make us fat only to have to other side of the spectrum offer every way from here to Thursday on how to get thin and healthy again. Seriously.
These conflicting messages are reeking havoc on our country. On our waistlines. On our psyches. To save America from ourselves, there should be a governmental cap on the products that companies are allowed to actively advertise. For example, any product that doesn't have what's considered a 'healthy' nutritional make up, cannot be paraded across the airwaves (much in the same way cigarette ads are banned from tv and radio). Yes. A lot of companies would be upset, but perhaps it would force a lot of you retailers to reconsider the products that you are producing. Is there really a need for pasta dishes that have over 1000 calories (PER SERVING!!!! I'm looking at you OLIVE GARDEN)? Or weight loss pills that cause anal leakage (SEXY!)? What if we all led healthy and active lifestyles without the need of special products and guilty pleasures (like a 510 calorie venti white chocolate mocha from Starbucks)?
I'm tired of us, as a majority, having rumps the size of Buicks and self-esteem the size of an all-natural pea. We have to make this crazy consumerism stop. We have to stop jumping off the cliff like lemmings when it comes to our health. We have to grow some common sense and see that McDonald's isn't a HEALTHY choice no matter what they preach or the toys they give out. That buying the gimmicky sneakers that are supposed to tone and tighten our ever expanding backsides are just one more way that retailers are trying to sell us as quick fixes. THERE ARE NO QUICK FIXES! IF YOU EAT TOO MUCH AND DO NOT MOVE AROUND ENOUGH, YOU WILL BECOME SO FAT THAT YOU CANNOT LEAVE YOUR BED AND WILL NEED A FORK LIFT TO REMOVE YOU FROM YOUR HOUSE. It's that simple.
In conclusion, retailers, I ask you to consider my approach. To reconsider the products that you are creating catchy jingles and flashy advertising for, and take an interest in me, as a consumer. In turn, I promise I won't hold it against you if you don't drench things in fat and sodium. I promise I won't cause a scene in the lobby of your restaurant if the only things on your menu are healthy choices with reasonable calorie counts. I promise if you create a genuinely great product that will benefit my health and well-being, I will purchase it - which will still enable you to make a profit (so that you can roll around in your money vault in full Scrooge McDuck fashion). If you build it. We will come.
Kindest Regards,
The Unemployed Diva
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