EAT ME!!!!!

With Halloween a distant candy coated memory, we are now in what I like to call "eating season." In the next 2 months no matter where you go or what you do, a plate of some delicious (and let's be honest, not always so delicious) food is going to be all doilied up, thrown on a tray and passed in front of you. People are going to come out of the woodwork carrying trays of spinach puffs and Aunt Mimi's artichoke dip and cheese. OH! THE CHEESE!

Never has mold tasted so good!

 Remember the scene in Beauty and the Beast when Belle finally sits down for dinner, and the household gets a little thirsty because it's been awhile since they saw someone other than that hairy, sulking animal? (On a completely unrelated note: If some over indulged prince caused you to get turned into a candelabra, wouldn't your first order of business be to burn that mother fucker down??? The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We don't need no water let the mother fucker burn. Just saying.)

Want a little snack? Teamwork!! Let's throw Belle a 12 course meal!!

Yeah. "Eating season" reminds me of that. And if you get me to drink enough rum, I swear the plates and forks will start singing and dancing. Even if I have to put on the show myself. Don't judge me.



So how do we get through this never ending smorgasbord without gaining 50 pounds and hating ourselves by the time Santa squeezes his cookie eating ass down the chimney? I think this year for Christmas I'm going to ask Santa to screw the itunes gift certificates and throw a little of whatever allows him to squeeze into tight places my way. I mean, seriously. He's just being greedy. People have doors. Use them, Santa! A little of that magic would help me fit into my high school jeans. Now which is the bigger Christmas miracle???? Me fitting into my high school jeans or Santa choosing not to use a normal method of egress???

Anyway - back to the point. Here are some ways to just say no to the appetizers, 4 course meals, and dessert trays. Ready? Ok!

1. Remember when you were a kid and played the lava game???? THE FLOOR IS LAVA!!!!!!! And would go bouncing around on the couch cushions and coffee table? Grown up application: THE APPETIZER TRAYS ARE LAVA!!!!!!!!! Just don't go bouncing around. People will think you have lost your damn mind.

Appreciate this graphic. It took forever to make. LOOK AT IT!!!

2. Experts will tell you to eat a healthy snack BEFORE going to a party, but seriously? I could have just eaten and yet, when those delicious little bastards come rolling around, I'm ravenous. So, I have learned to hone in on a super power, WILLPOWER WOMAN!

In brightest day, in blackest night,

no tasting shall escape my sight!

Let those who worship tasting's might,

beware my power, Willpower Woman's light!

Bonus Points to you if you got the Green Lantern reference.

3. Last, but not least, play Passing Tray Tag (PTT for short). The rules of the game are: If you see a tray coming towards you, run in the opposite direction, leaving any guest or conversation in the dust. Who cares about social convention when your waistline is literally on the line?

Ah. Who are we kidding? As much as we try to be good little healthy eaters during the holiday parties and never ending get togethers, at the end of the day I'm pretty sure we're all going to look like this:

Can you unhinge my jaw?

Don't worry, January 1st is right around the corner, and you know what that means? 

For 2 weeks we are going to use the shit out of our shiny new gym membership. :)

Forever Yours,

The Unemployed Diva.