I'm single and ready to mingle! Actually, scratch that. I'm not ready to mingle. Contrary to popular belief not every single woman is sitting in the shadows with her man trap laid just waiting to ensnare a male specimen so she can drag him down the aisle and force him to make many, many babies with her. Shock! and Awe! and Gasp! and all of that other crap that basically means Holy Shit Balls!
The truth is that right now, I'm working on me. And that's freaking ok. Super ok, even. Fantastically wonderful! The problem is that to every single married/engaged/in a serious relationship person - I am considered broken. WTF?!? And I'm tired of hearing some of the go to phrases that 'in a relationship' people keep saying to me.
For example:
1. Don't you worry! Prince Charming is out there!!!
Um. Ok? Thanks? I'll just stop everything to get out my man hunting binoculars and not sleep until I find him. Now where did I put my man net??? Hmmm... I know the people that say this phrase to me are trying to be helpful and hopeful that I find a man that I can eventually settle down with, but let's get one thing straight: It's ok if he's not out there too. Like really. I'm having a lot of fun right now and am ok with the concept of living unattached at the moment. Sorry, Mom. :)
2. Aw! Sweetie! Don't you want to hurry up and find a man so you can still have children??? You did turn 30 this year...
What I really want to say to these people is: fuck off, but what I end up saying sounds more like me gulping down a glass of wine. Sigh. Why is it ok to ask someone about their reproductive choices?!? Hey, Married Person! Don't you regret having your second child? I mean, the first and third turned out ok, but that second one is a little weird.
3. Have you tried online dating? My boss's friend's cousin found the man of her dreams on ::PICK ANY ONE OF THE DAMN DATING WEBSITES::
Yes, I have. And all I have to say to that is, from now on I'm sticking to meeting men in person. I think that dating websites should cut the bullshit and stop asking what people's hobbies are (everyone says music, movies, going out with friends, and working out anyway. OOOOO. Original.), and ask instead: Do you have a car? A 401k? Pay your bills on time? Volunteer? Live on your own? Own underwear that you would not be ashamed of me seeing? Will you try to murder me in my sleep? Have you ever had a brain injury? Is your ex-wife bat shit crazy? Does your wife know you made this profile?
4. Don't you ever get lonely?
Yes. Sometimes I get lonely, and you know what I do when that happens?? I call a friend up and go to dinner or drinks or invite people over, dumbass. Man + Woman doesn't necessarily equal a cure for loneliness. I hate to break it to you, but I know a ton of couples that try to escape from their other half because they are bored or lonely in their relationship.
5. Aren't you afraid that all of the 'good' ones are taken???
Nope. And you know why? Because some girl's garbage is another one's treasure.
6. Men are just intimidated by your intelligence/confidence.
Really, did you just say that to me? Contrary to the way men are portrayed in women's magazines, men are not bumbling bafoons who are trying to keep women barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. In fact, I think most men prefer intelligent and confident women instead of drooling, vapid idiots with big boobs and no substance. At least that's what I'm hoping. The day I have to become a Barbie Girl, is the day I'm screwed. Metaphorically.
7. You should make yourself more open to meeting someone.
Like, with an 'Open All Day' sign? Should I post my hours of operation, too? Should I just start making weird, creepy eye contact with men all day? How does one make herself more open without bending over and showing labia???
8. Whatever happened to :: INSERT EX'S NAME HERE ::?? I thought you two were always so good together.
I murdered him and hid him in the basement. Um. What do you think?? Of course he has a new girl friend or wife or baby or promotion at work or hot car or won the lottery. Of course. But I'm so happy for him because I don't want to come across as a heartless cold bitch. Duh.
9. I'm getting married!!! To my best friend in the whole wide world!!! Do you think you can find a plus one in time for the wedding?
Nope. I plan on using your wedding as a new dating pool. I'm going to dress like the biggest slut in the world and ask for the names of the groomsman in advance so I can start facebook and twitter stalking them early. But if you want to tell the caterer to have my own bottle of wine waiting for me at my place setting and to swing by with a second piece of cake, that would be ok too.
10. Hey! Since you are unattached do you mind watching my kids, picking this random thing up, doing this incredibly annoying task? You have no man or children which means your schedule is just gaping open, right?
I do, actually. So go get bent. Just because you are attached and have decided to procreate doesn't mean that I'm at your beck and call. I have stuff too, you know. Like watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Marathon. Respect my choices!
So people, the next time you have the urge to say something like anything from above to one of your single friends, just stop it. Fucking calm your roll and just chill because it's not easy being single in this crazy day and age. One day I'll share some of my dating stories and then you'll weep for me. Really.
Forever Yours,
The Unemployed Diva
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